Hey guys,

Okay, the title is a bit heavy.  You're going to understand why in a second.

Now, before I start, I almost wish I could tell you that I'm mixed race or something like that, but I'm not.  It would make it so much easier, to be honest.  If anything, if feels almost like my mind is mixed.

You see, I'm Chinese.  Full Chinese.  But I was born and raised in Canada.  One of the two "Hong Kong"s of Canada, even.  So, you would probably immediately figure that I would know how to speak, understand, and maybe read a little Chinese. Problem is: I don't.  Sure, I went to Chinese school as a kid, but not nearly as long as some others.  Though, I'm not entirely sure how far Chinese classes go.  I may have gotten most of the years in, if I'm lucky.  Even if I did, it still probably wouldn't have done much because of what I'm about to tell you next.

My dad is also full Chinese and was born and raised in Canada.  For some reason, though, his parents also spoke to him in English.  So, somehow, knows less Chinese than I do.  When I was younger, I had more exposure to the Chinese language.  My maternal grandmother only knew how to speak Chinese, my babysitter only knew how to speak Chinese, my mom, who is an immigrant, even spoke more Chinese and watched Chinese dramas then.  But for some reason, fast forward into my high school and university years, my dad decides that he doesn't like the Chinese shows she watches and complained about them all the time to the point where my mom actually stopped watching them.  My grandmother passed away, and my babysitter went back to live with her daughter.  My general exposure to the language was almost entirely gone.  I still have people here and there who will speak to me in Chinese, but not nearly as much as before.  I don't hear the language around me as much.  When my brother was born, for some reason, my mom spoke to him in English more because "he didn't understand", but given enough time, he would have just as I did.

So, here I am in my twenties.  I look Chinese, but I can only speak and understand a little.  I can't read or write enough to get a full sentence.  And I'm terrified that when I'm older, my mom will revert back to speaking Chinese, and I won't be able to communicate effectively with her.  People talk to me in Chinese in either Mandarin or Cantonese because they see my face and immediately think that I would understand.  And, in my mind, I feel like I should.  Cantonese anyway.  But I don't and I hate it.  I feel like I'm living with two cultures fighting inside of me, and I suppose I am.  I excelled in my English classes and graduated university with a Bachelor's of Arts in Honours English.  Don't get me wrong.  I love it and I'm incredibly proud of that.  But many other Chinese students have trouble with English classes and actually have pretty good communication in Chinese.  I feel like, at this point in my life, I should be bilingual but I'm not.  It's like I put on a face that says one thing when really I'm another.  But, I don't...it's just...my face.

The worst part of it all is that when I try to learn Chinese by watching the televisions series, I tend to gravitate more towards English shows simply because they're easier to understand.  It's so frustrating.

I wish I could have brought something lighter to the blog today, but this was just on my mind and needed to get out.  Hopefully, the next post will be easier.

Dusk

Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

"You're not enough
Never enough"
That's what they tell me.

You aren't trying enough.
You aren't working hard enough.
You need to work your way up.

It's not that simple.
I can try
But if they won't let me,
There's no moving up.

I have to dig
and pick
and scrounge
to find something,
to do something that will help me
Move on.

They won't let me let go.
They won't let go.
They keep pushing
Pushing towards something that
I
Don't
Want.

They won't listen
because they think that I'm still
Not enough.

They think that what I'm doing
What I want is
Not enough.

What I want is different.
That doesn't mean that
I think
that it's not enough.

I think it is.
I want it.
But for them,
I'll never be
Enough.

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

So, things have been really slow for me lately.  It's been quite difficult finding a job, and moreso, a job that won't leave me completely broken down in anxiety.  I was really lucky last summer in finding a job that allowed me to work steady, consistent hours instead of shifts, but the more I look at how things are right now, it seems that might not be possible to do.  I don't really know how to deal with this right now besides continuing to search. 

The only solution I've come up with is potentially selling stuff online, but I'll have to get money to get started.  My problem with this is that because I've moved back in with my parents, they'll have something to say about everything.  So far, my mom's comment on this is, "Isn't that more of a side thing, though?"  Thing is, it's all I have right now, so I may as well start.  It's better than the whole lot of nothing I've been getting.  My dad was pretty into the idea earlier in the year, but I'm not sure where he stands on it now.  Boyfriend is quite supportive of it, though.  I mean, it is quite actually taking matters into my own hands and finding a way to make money on my own outside of relying on other people to respond to my inquiries.  Plus, it'll keep me busy and mean that I could potentially move out sooner if it picks up well.

Job hunting aside, I've been routinely working myself around making dinner for my family which they seem to have fallen into the habit of expecting.  It's not the worst thing in the world, I know, but it almost feels like they don't appreciate my doing it anymore.  I mean, I do appreciate having food and having had my parents be able to provide that for me throughout my life, but something doesn't feel right.  It feels like I've fallen into a rut that I can't get out of.  Boyfriend's been a great help in terms of in the kitchen, but we've never had to work ourselves around my family to that extent before.  I have to tell them that I plan on going out the day before so that they can figure out dinner themselves.  I mean, sure, it's a thing that many parents have to do and I get that.  But I'm not a parent.  I get that we all have our roles in the home, but it feels like some have started treating me as the mother figure and at the moment, I don't like that.  I don't really know what to do.  It's really hard to plan things with Boyfriend around this because we never really plan dates.  Date-type situations just happen with us.  Whenever we try to plan a date, it never really works right.

I don't know what to do with all of this.  I'm starting to think that selling stuff online might be my best bet right now, actually.  Things have just begun to get too routine.  It almost feels like there's nothing to live for.

I've managed to hit a lucky spot and am going out with some friends tomorrow.  Hopefully that will help me feel a bit better.  I hope I find a way out of this pitfall soon.  Living on my own was so much easier.

Well, that's all for today.  I'll catch you all later.

Dusk

When you're trying to get something done, be it a project for school or work, or you're in a relationship, the simplest and most fundamental way to make sure that everything gets sorted out neatly is through communication.  Talk to your group members, teachers, professors, partner about what needs to get done, what's being done, and by whom because when one party says, "Don't worry about it, I have this covered" but never actually tells you or anyone involved what it is that they are doing or completely disconnects from the group from that point onward without so much as a brief status report so that everyone knows where the other stands, everyone but that party is unaware of the goings on.  They don't know if they should be working on, say, the lone party's part of the project on top of their own because, perhaps, that lone party is not actually pulling their weight, or they could be doing something completely irrelevant.  Alternatively, the lone party could be doing exactly what he/she should be or said they would do, but nobody knows, and so, everyone else takes charge to do the part they believe the lone party is supposed to be doing just in case only to find out in the end that the lone party has everything under control.

A simple bit of communication can save a lot of work and stress for everyone involved.  The lone party may think that everything is fine, but without proper communication with the other members, this one person can cause a great deal of unnecessary work and stress to build up on the rest of the group which is unfair as it could have been easily avoided.  Additionally, the lone party may think that what the other involved parties did was unnecessary and potentially take offense towards the reasoning they had behind it.

Good communication is paradoxically the simplest and most difficult thing to do whether it is between group project members, partners, or immediate family members.  We are afraid that we might offend or insult someone due to a simple misinterpretation in our tone or wording, while it is also through communication that we can try to clear up any such things and forgive one another.  We often feel that the easiest way to not offend someone and to avoid misinterpretation by avoiding proper communication surrounding a particular topic altogether (be it about a project or an issue within a relationship). 

Unfortunately, this is one of our biggest downfalls as human beings as we rely on a communication system that is vague and can be misinterpreted in many different ways.  A single sentence can appear to have multiple meanings when the speaker only intended one.  Where our complex, but well-intentioned languages and feelings fail, most other animals excel at because they don't hold back for fear of insulting.  They tell each other in clear and direct ways what it is they want.  If a wolf, for example, were pestering another, the second would surely growl a warning.  Should the first wolf not heed this warning, he would receive a warning bite telling the him that if he continues, the situation will escalate.  Of  course, it is incredibly anthropocentric to claim that our languages and feelings are more complex than that of any other animal in the world as they do have intricate languages and feelings of their own, but if we were to learn from their example and actually say what we mean and mean what we say, life as a human would be much simpler.  We would not have to skirt around each other's feelings.  In fact,  we would be respecting each other's feelings more as we wouldn't be assuming that everyone is so delicate that even the smallest mention of something that bothers us will offend.

All in all, I think we have much to learn from the other animals around us when it comes to communication.  We should be more straight-forward instead of trying to spare each other's feelings because in doing so, we are actually creating people who are more easily offended by smaller and smaller things.  And finally, as an animal whose world is supposedly built on communication, we really suck at it.

Hey everyone,

So, I know I had a summer reading list of about four books which shouldn't have been that difficult to complete, but for some reason, my brain refused to focus on any of the books I wanted to finish by the end of the summer.  The denser books, anyway.  It's pretty unfortunate, but I can't say that it's been all bad.  I've still been reading.  Just, not quite what I wanted to. 

I ended up reading something much lighter and junkier.  And what have I been reading?  Something from the author of the Vampire Diaries series.  That's right, I've been reading Night World.  I'm still on the first book, and I can't say it's the best kind of read, but it is what I need right now: something junky and airy.  I guess my mind doesn't feel quite so rested from the denser reads of the school year still.  It is odd, though, because I've been so bothered by the writing that I've begun annotating and editing the book with a pencil which is something I never would have done before.  But, now, after I've finished school marking up this book feels less like a huge deal.  I don't think it will carry over to other, less junky books, though.

I really wish I could get back to the denser stuff.  I want to finish Fahrenheit 451.  I was so far through it and, now, I need to start it over because it's been so long since I last picked it up.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get back to it soon.

We'll see how it goes.  I'll keep you guys updated on the reading.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

Sorry about the wait for this post.  It's been pretty hectic.

So, last you heard from me, I was still in Singapore.  I left Singapore for about five days to visit Thailand and didn't bring my computer with me.  For the first two days of Thailand, Boyfriend and I didn't do a whole lot.  We checked in to our hotel in Phuket and explored the nearby areas and I have to say, the staff at our hotel were wonderful and the people in the spots we explored were incredibly friendly.

It might not sound like it to some, but we really felt like we took advantage of those two days we had alone before his family came to join us on the third day.  We got some well-needed rest and travelling with fewer people makes co-ordinating and decision-making much easier.  I'm hoping that Boyfriend and I end up being able to travel together a bit more, especially since parents are telling us that we'll never be able to travel so much again once we start working.  Honestly, I hope that's not true for us.  I have had so much fun seeing different parts of the world with him and just walking around and discovering different foods and cultures.  It feels so freeing.

After Thailand, we went back to Singapore for a few more days before we flew home.  We've been home for about a month now and things haven't slowed down much, in all honesty.  We rested for a week before going to my grandparents' place to help them paint around the house and trim their hedges and, boy, did that tire us out.  At this point in time, I think we're both just looking for some quiet time to rest and relax, but we still need to look for work and Boyfriend wants to move out of where he is currently staying.  Hopefully, he finds a place soon for the sake of his sanity.

That's about all for now in terms of what's been going on. 

Until next time,
Dusk

The future is scary and that's okay.

Boyfriend and I have been talking a bit recently about what our plans for the future are in terms of careers as, firstly, while we are living with his mom in Singapore, it's brought up quite often anyway, and secondly, it is something we'd have to think about soon since we just received our undergraduate degrees.

Right now, it seems like we're going to take roughly a year out of school and decide whether or not we want to go back or if we can make it without.  Personally, I think he'll go back.  He tells me he was never much of a school guy, but he likes to learn and I can definitely see him excelling in whichever path he chooses.  He's a pretty versatile guy when it comes to the options he's given himself.

For me, I'm not sure if I want to return to school to get a Master's degree or even a PhD, but the more we talk about it, the more it seems a bit enticing.  I've never been one to feel like writing a dissertation or anything formal would be something I'd want to do, but some times when I look at what I've studied, or when I read something, it's the only way I can work with it.  I still prefer to write fiction, but it's been so long since I've properly sat down to write any fiction outside of a dialogue that I don't know if I could do it.  I would need to sit down and read more fiction first to pick my style back up again, I think.

I like the idea of living off my writing whether it be on my blog, on Youtube (writing scripts for myself to discuss different topics), publishing various forms of fiction, or even using my writing as a form of discussion like many critical thinkers.  For most of these things, I wouldn't need any formal graduate degree to do them, but for the last one especially, it would be helpful because it would give my arguments that much more heft.  I would be able to not only say what I have to say and potentially have people retort, but also be recognised as a person who knows what she's talking about in a formal situation should it come to that.  Perhaps my writing would be able to be used in classrooms and university or college lectures that way.  Who knows?

In the mean time, I'm trying to figure out what I could get into for at least this coming year.  Perhaps work in a book shop or something to pass the time and make a little money to support myself and hopefully move out.  Whatever happens, I'm glad that it looks like  Boyfriend and I will be going through it together and supporting each other.  It's something that we'd both like and I definitely feel like I need.  I like being able to discuss my current foggy future with someone who understands where I am in my head and in my life.  He knows that I'm unsure of which direction I want to go, but he also knows that I want to be able to be self reliant and he's supporting me every step of the way.  If it weren't for him I don't know where I'd be right now.  I wouldn't have even considered a Master's or any other form of graduate degree.  I know my mom wants me to get one, but that doesn't feel so much as if it's for me as it does for her peace of mind because it appears to be the minimum requirement for anything now-a-days.

I'm just glad that I have someone with whom I can venture through life now.  A romantic relationship is certainly not something everyone needs at this point in time, or for some, ever, but for me, this works.  I have the kind of support I need and, in turn, I am able to support him and we are able to bounce ideas about our future with one another without outside influence because we listen to each other and what the other wants and needs.  For all of you out there going through this time in life, you do it your way.  My way is by no means any model towards which you need to strive.  What works for me might not necessarily work for you and vice versa.  But no matter what happens, I hope things turn out well for you.

Best of luck to everyone.

Dusk

I've never been good at small talk.  It just isn't something I do.

If you try to talk to me, it'll seem like I don't really want to talk.  What I don't want is to go into idle prattle because I don't know how to handle or navigate it.  It's devoid of meaning and I mentally can not grasp how it works or how to continue the conversation from what seems to me to be dead end questions.  I never intend to sound uncaring or unapproachable, I literally just don't know how to turn the little statements or questions into more than just that.  If I'm asked a question with a simple answer, that's normally what I give it.

I do feel bad and I don't always know what to say, but it happens.  I have no intentions of being rude if I've just met you and this is the direction in which our conversation seems to be headed it's just me being uncomfortable.  If you want to start an actual discussion, it's easiest for me if you just jump into it.  Ask me if I've read a book and if I haven't tell me about it.  Tell me what you liked, what you didn't.  I might come up with something similar as well as a suggestion for you to look at in the future and likewise.  Maybe a film or something else that interests you.  For me to take part, I need more to work with than "How are you"s and "what's new?"

I do realise that this may be difficult for the person with whom I am trying to converse as well as it is for myself, but I honestly don't know how to make small talk work.  It's one of society's weird mannerisms that I will never understand and perhaps never be able to get to work in my favour.  Even when I was taking the final test for my driver's licence, I never asked such small questions to try to keep myself calm.  I asked the examiner why he does what he does and why he chose or ended up with it.  It was something that I could dig more into, something that I could get more information from to create more discussion.  In turn, he would be able to ask me what I want to do, am doing, what my motivations are and I could ask him similar inquiries.  Topics like these, I can work with.  If you simply ask me what I'm doing in school and if I want to be a teacher, my answers will be short and sweet.  I get the same questions all the time and I hate them.  I never know what to do or say.  It's awful.

This, I think, is why I'm not the best suited for things like customer service or human resources work.  It's not something I can care enough about to make it sound good.  ESPECIALLY with customer service situations where I will need to run off to retrieve something for a customer because I will repeat the same, "Hi, how are you?  Did you find everything okay?" routine to people I've already droned it out to without realising until after the fact.

I don't know where this puts me in terms of which jobs I'd be good for, but I can tell you that I've done pretty well so far in conversing with my professors and peers about different academic, homework-related, and peer-related topics.  Whether it means I should strive for something like academia or writing in general, I don't know, but I think I might do okay in them given different topics to work with.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is small talk confuses me.  It confounds me.  I don't know what to do and I flounder when people try to approach me with it.  I don't know if I'll ever know what to do with it and I'm sorry to anyone who tries to use it with me.

Hey guys,

Sorry I haven't updated on the trip much lately, but what can I say?  What I do might not sound as interesting as it was for me to experience.  I'm a bit of a little details sort of person.  I appreciate a lot of little moments that don't relay as well as they felt at the time.

Anyway, yesterday, Boyfriend and I went and did something a bit more touristy than usual.  After seeing where he went to school a couple days before, we decided to go to Sentosa.  Yup.  The place that you, apparently, "must" go to while you're in Singapore otherwise you haven't gone to Singapore.  Personally, I've never understood when people say things like that because, clearly, I am in Singapore, so to tell me otherwise would be ridiculous as I know where I am and what I'm doing and you can't tell me what it is that I'm experiencing.

That aside, we had a nice time walking along the harbour and Siloso beach front in the evening.  It's crazy, you can actually see the sun setting here.  It moves much faster here than it does at home.  At first, I thought I was imagining it, but when Boyfriend said that it could be seen, I was amazed.  The sunlight is interesting here.  You would think that being near the equator, you would have more hours of sunlight, but instead, it's similar to the amount of sunlight I get at home in the autumn just before winter.  The sun rises at 7:00AM and sets at 7:00PM everyday without fail.  I have no idea why it works that way, but it does.

We had a real nice time there.  I've never been to a salt water beach before and I do love to be in the water.  Though, I wasn't particularly prepared for that, so I just waded around the shallows.  I'll be honest, I was expecting the water to be cooler than it was and was certainly surprised when it was so much warmer than I was preparing myself for.

Boyfriend spent the last few minutes of the fading sunlight to draw the shoreline.  Me, on the other hand, I just love to see him draw.  Something about how focused and intense he looks is alluring to me.  I just really like to see artists at work, what can I say?  It's like watching magic happen.  Unfortunately, because of the quickly falling sun, Boyfriend had some troubles figuring out the pressure he should put on his new brushpen for different strokes.  I still think his drawing looks fine.  Especially considering the fact that he didn't have a brushpen prior to this.

When we finally got back home, we curled up and watched a film I had watched in school called "Waking Life".  Considering the time of day I had originally watched, it was pretty overwhelming in terms of information and questions, not to mention the art styles involved.  It definitely makes more sense the second time around, but it is still a lot of information to take in.  Boyfriend says it might be better if they just tackled one question raised and stick to it as the main premise.  Considering what the film is about, he's right.  It gives the feeling that the director is trying to cover more information than he is able in the time given.  I still can't say it's a bad film, though.  It raises interesting thoughts and questions that I feel are important for people to think about and don't often do if they do at all.

I'm not super sure what's in store for today or the rest of the week, but that's the fun of not planning.  You just figure it out as you go.  Besides, a few days of rest here and there are always good to keep.  Don't want to burn yourself out on vacation, right?

Until next time,
Dusk

To the writer in me:

Never stop writing.  Never.  It can be something as simple as journal reflections.  Just don't stop.

Read more.  Read everything, read anything.  It's been a while.  You've slowed down since university started.  You know it doesn't feel so great.  You need to experience new worlds, old worlds, far away worlds, every world.  Learn from the writing styles.  Learn from the content.  Learn from the experiences.  Keep reading.  Don't stop reading.

Learn to let stuff slide, but don't stop feeling.  You can't write if you don't feel.  Don't feel so much that you can't function anymore, though.  Feel the good, feel the bad, feel the nice, feel the ugly.  Tell the world what you think.  You have a voice.  You are a voice.  Be your voice.  Live your voice.  Make an impact.  Say what you feel.  The world needs more opinions, more discussions, more thoughts, more thinking.  Be one of the ones to contribute to that.  Be one of the ones who gets the ball rolling.  Start a discussion.  Add to a discussion.  This is how change happens.

Listen to yourself, not your doubt, not your anxiety, not your fear.  Listen to who you are, who you want to be.  Your doubt, anxiety, and fear are a part of you, but if you let them take over, you won't go anywhere.  You won't do anything.  You won't grow.  Push passed them.  Break out of their grasp and be free.  Be you.

See through your own eyes and through others'.  You'll have more of an opinion if you have more perspectives to look through.

Encourage the good in others.  You need to be more confident, but don't leave your friends behind.  Help them learn about themselves.  Show them what you see in them.  Encourage their talents and passions.  Don't let their spirits die in their search for success.

Love.  Keep loving.  Love the little things and the big.  Love the moment.  Love your friends.  Love nature.  Love learning.

Have hopes, but don't be overly optimistic.  It can only lead to disappointment.  Stay realistic and plan things.  Not everything, but enough.

Stay sarcastic.  You love it too much to let go.  It keeps you creative.  It keeps you clever.

Don't stop creating.  Don't stop observing.


I'm not a particularly optimistic person.  I don't share those optimistic images and words online because they often feel empty and meaningless to me.   But I do know some places where I can improve or continue to grow.  This is something I thought to write as a pick-me-up in a bad time and as general encouragement for who I am currently.  Some of us like to pretend we are tough like we can take on the world, but inside, we're just softies.  I am one of these, I'll admit, and that's okay.  I just need to find a way to make different parts of me mesh together.  It's how I work.  It's who I am.  We are all filled with contradictions.  It's how we are.  It's just something we need to remind ourselves.  In the end, we just have to learn to accept and embrace the different parts of ourselves.  This is how we will become happy and successful.

Forgive me if this does not seem linear or lacks coherence as it was written as a stream of consciousness.

Hey guys!

So, instead of a summary of today, I'm going to give you a sum up of last night since today just started.

Boyfriend and I went out to Clarke Quay which is, apparently, the nice and touristy spot in Singapore.  The prices sure reflected that, but in my opinion, it was worth it.  We walked around for a bit looking for a place to eat and eventually stopped at a bar/café type place called The Connoisseurs Concerto.  It's small, a little dark, but beautiful.  The some of the light fixtures were made to look like vinyl albums and there were paintings and prints of different musical artists up on the walls.  The service was so nice and patient.  And the food was delicious.  I ordered bourbon beef with a side of, what was supposed to be a stuffed portobello mushroom cap, but I guess our server misheard me because I ended up with an omelette with potatoes and tomatoes in it.  Still very tasty.  I have no complaints.  The beef was so soft and the flavour was incredibly rich, yet not overwhelming in the least.  It was wonderful.  Expensive, but wonderful. The atmosphere, the service, the food, all beautiful to the point where I could legitimately justify the prices.  If we had a place like this at home, I would be there every once in a while for a treat.

Now, something I didn't tell you all was that I'm not a night life person in the least.  I don't do bars, alcohol, clubs, dancing.  None of that.  But, I've gotten curious lately.  I don't know what things are really like inside bars at all.  My only experience of bars, really, is what I've seen on television.  Knowing this, Boyfriend set out to bring me to one last night.  Completely unexpected for me since, with all the moving, we've never gone out for dinner without Boyfriend's mom.  Before you take it the wrong way, that isn't a complaint at all.  It's just been somewhat expected because we've all been in these two small spaces moving things around, packing, and unpacking for the past two weeks.  When he told me what we were doing, I must say, I was pretty excited.  It was something I haven't even seen at home before.

On top of it already being out of character for me to be a part of night life and visiting a bar, I also got an alcoholic beverage.  For those who know me, this is not something one would ever expect of me.  I didn't get a wine or a beer, though.  I got a Bailey's toffee flavoured coffee.  At this point, it's been years since I've tasted alcohol not being cooked into food.  As Boyfriend put it when he tasted it,
"It tastes like alcohol."  It did, but after stirring the whipped cream into the drink and licking the spoon, you taste more of the coffee mixed in on the spoon.  The flavours, I found, complimented each other pretty well.  I'm still not much of a fan of alcohol at all, but I do have a growing fondness for coffee and I have been curious to taste what alcohol and coffee taste like together.  It was interesting to say the least.  I didn't hate it, but the final third of the drink was definitely tasting more and more of Bailey's; a taste that was getting a touch more difficult for me to handle as we finished the drink.  Again, I didn't hate it, but I did spend some time trying to analyse the taste in my mouth as it was different from the wines and beers my family has let me sip.  It's not a taste I would go out of the way for, to paraphrase Boyfriend, but it was a fascinating experience.  Now, if I go back, the next one will probably be the Irish Cream coffee.  That was always one I've been curious about.

Boyfriend, being the thoughtful guy he is, changed his order from an Oreo coffee drink to a plain coffee in case I didn't like the one I ordered.  It was so sweet of him.  Turns out, it was not a change he would ever regret.  His coffee came and when we tasted it, it was like no other.  It was literally the best plain coffee I have ever tasted.  And truly, I can say, never have I ever had plain black coffee until last night.  The closest would be a cappuccino with no added sugar.  Last night,  even I felt needed nothing to be added.  It was wonderful and somewhat sweet.  Not bitter at all like most hot brewed coffees.  I have to say, it's experiences like this that make me want to learn to make good coffees and espresso-based beverages more.

After dinner, we walked around the area which was wonderfully lit and music was playing in different sections of the space.  Although not our usual choice in music, we had a great time walking and listening to it.  It turns out, so did this one older man who was dancing to it with a younger lady.  Boyfriend and I were thoroughly enjoying seeing this man have fun.  It just goes to show that fun doesn't die with age.

After a while, we both decided that we wanted ice cream.  Me, being the type that I am, decided to go local and had a durian flavoured ice cream sandwich.  It was basically a block of durian ice cream that I got a slice of and wrapped in a bakery style slice of bread.  For those of you who don't know, Asian bakery breads are generally sweeter than something like Dempsters, so as strange as this dessert might sound, it was quite nice.  Boyfriend, being Boyfriend, doesn't like the smell of durian at all, but somehow ended up becoming curious enough to actually try my ice cream.  If I can explain his willingness to try it at all, then, his curiosity probably got the better of him like mine did with bars and night life.  He still doesn't like durian, but he can't say he hasn't tried it now.  I can't say I haven't tried durian before, but durian flavoured ice cream, I never touched until last night and it was exactly as you'd expect.  Since it's cold, though, the flavour isn't as strong.  Believe me when I say that it's much stronger than it tastes.  As it warms up a bit in your hands, it does begin to taste stronger and those around you might not appreciate your breath too much, but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world.

When we finally got home, we spent a couple of hours watching Pulp Fiction.  But what came afterwards, neither of us were prepared for.  I was going into the bathroom to fill the kettle because we still do not have faucets installed, and I found a cockroach on the floor just chilling out.  I have seen two here prior to this, but neither have I really had to deal with.  This one was IN OUR LIVING SPACE.  What was I supposed to do?!  I called Boyfriend over and that's when chaos ensued.  We spent much longer than either of us care to admit trying to kill it.  When we finally did and got it out of the space, sleep was difficult to come by.  I would go into detail on how we got rid of the cockroach, but neither of us are particularly willing to let that information out at the moment.  Something you need to know is that where I come from, bugs, including cockroaches, are not that big because of winter--which I now appreciate even more--so, this experience was truly harrowing for me.  After at least a half hour of bringing ourselves back down from this adrenaline rush, we finally decided to sleep.  And so ended a good and crazy night of firsts.

Some times, I feel insecure.
Some times, I feel inadequate.

Some times, people make me feel insecure.
Some times, people make me feel inadequate.

I've spent five years in university learning who I am, accepting who I am.  Learning what I'm good at, learning to accept it.  I've become more secure in myself because of it, but some times...some times, something seeps through.  A word here.  A comment there.  It's silly, really.  To have spent so long learning about and developing my character, creating my reality, only to let others tear it down.  To become secure in oneself should make it easier to let such things slide off one's back, but it's not so easy.

I am porous like a sponge.

I take in what I see and what I hear.  Some times, I take in things that I shouldn't.

It festers.

It grows like an infection.

It tears me apart from the inside out and I don't know how to handle it.  I crumble and I fall.  My reality--for the moment--is lost.  I don't know who I am, what I'm good at.

I've lost all that I am.

I need to gather my pieces.  Put myself back together.

                                  anew.
                        grow
                    I
             bit,
       by
Bit

I gather myself back up.  I learn.  I strengthen.

A new piece appears in my puzzle, I don't know where it goes yet.  In time, I will learn and it will fit.  It will become a part of my armour.  A weapon I can use to shield myself against those who try to tear me down and to fight back.  I just have to learn where it goes, what it does, how it can help me.

My reality will be whole again.  I will become me.

A greater,
stronger
me.

All righty, everyone, it's certainly been a while, huh?  You see, this past weekend was the weekend of the big move.  We've officially moved all of the things, big and small, from Boyfriend's mom's old apartment into her new space.  Boyfriend and I have slowly been unpacking while his mom is at work.  We are still waiting on a few things to be delivered and installed like the washer, dryer, and refrigerator, but that's not much to worry about at this point.

These last few days have been a doozy.  The night before the big move, we thought we had everything packed as Boyfriend and I were working on packing everything in the old apartment...as you might've guessed, while his mom was at work.  She would give us an assignment each day and each day we would finish up as much as we could.  For some reason, as we worked, she never had us finish a space entirely.  We'd finish most or, at least, half of a room, and she'd send us to work on another room the next day.  By the night before the initial moving date, she was looking through all of the boxes we had packed, still not sealing a single one.  By the evening, there appeared to be only minor bits and pieces left to pack to the point where I wasn't needed.  So, I took to my room and lounged around, that is, until I heard Boyfriend's exasperated exclamations just outside my door.  As it turns out, while I was relaxing and playing Pokémon SoulSilver, his mom had been repeatedly telling him that there was only one thing left to pack, only to realise immediately after, that there was another...for five hours.  I would be exasperated too.  By this point, it was very near midnight and his exclamations concerned me.  So, I went out in hopes that, despite how small the final things to pack were, I would be able to help move it along faster and to lighten his mood.  We were still somewhat jetlagged, so having woken up quite early in the morning and staying awake until midnight, and later still, when he was already exhausted was taking its toll.  We eventually got everything packed and went to bed some time after 1:00AM.

The next day, I woke up to find that, despite all the packing done the night before and having been told that all there is left to pack were the bed sheets we slept on, there were still a variety of knick knacks left to tuck away into boxes.  To my surprise, we somehow managed to pack up everything and have just about all of it delivered to the new apartment before 2:00PM despite some delays with the movers.  Upon returning to the first apartment, though, we discovered that the movers had missed a few things and we would have to find a way to bring them to the new apartment one way or another over the course of a couple of days.  We brought some things back with us on the bus and some in a taxi, but the rest had to be delivered by movers still as they were too large to bring in either bus or taxi.

Now, everything is in the new apartment and Boyfriend and I have been unpacking and shifting things around to make it more of a living space rather than a space full of boxes and undressed mattresses.  We've had to have the air conditioners and lights looked at and/or repaired and are still in the process of waiting for some lights to be delivered and installed, but it's not the worst.  I can deal with not having the few lights we are without as Boyfriend's mom seems to really love these little solar powered lanterns she bought.  What is most difficult to deal with,though, is probably the lack of doors to the bathrooms.  That's right, for the past three days, I have been living without some lights, and completely without bathroom doors...on top of that, sinks and the kitchen faucet have not been ordered and installed yet...the sinks, honestly, are not much of an issue for me right now.  I've adapted fairly well to using the faucets in the showers...which are also without doors or curtains, but the lack of bathroom doors is more difficult for me to deal with as there is always a possibility that someone may walk by or in while you are in the shower and the only space to put your clothes in the most private shower we have, is in plain view of anyone who would be in the bedroom to which that bathroom is in.  It's not so bad if you announce that you are going to shower and for whoever is around to not walk beyond a certain point in the apartment, but there is always this twinge of doubtfulness that makes you feel like someone may come your way despite what you've said.  The paranoia that comes from this is surprising.  You're living with people you trust, and yet, you feel it more difficult to trust when you realise how vulnerable of a situation you are in should someone come by and see you bathing.

I'll be honest, these past few days have been incredibly stressful and the tensions have been running high between the three of us due to sleeplessness and general physical exhaustion from moving houses, but Boyfriend has been wonderful even in the midst of all this.  He knows just what to say and when to say it.  The other day, while I was becoming frustrated trying to figure out what to place where in the kitchen, he came in and told me, "This is nice.  It's like we're moving in together and trying to figure out where to put things."  He gave me an entirely new outlook on our situation and eased the growing tension within me.  He's really wonderful.  Today, we were moving some furniture around in the common living space and it was my turn to realise how nice this feeling was.  We were discussing how we would have arranged the furniture differently from his mom's set-up and how it would work for us.  It's quite a comforting thought, really.  And since we were told one of the air conditioners wasn't working, he and I set up a spare mattress on the floor of the bedroom I'm staying in (there's no way his mom would let us share a bed.  The bed in there is only a twin anyway, we would be too cramped and warm together) and we've begun calling the space "our bedroom".  We're really hoping to be able to move out together some day soon, but with the difficult job economy and the high living expenses, it's hard to say how soon we might be able to do it.  Either way, we are both hoping and trying.  In the mean time, we're enjoying the walks we're taking together to buy food since the kitchen isn't entirely functional yet, and we're really enjoying each other's company now that things have settled down a bit more than pre-moving day.

Once all the dust has settled and things are in place, I will finally be able to tell you more about some of the things I have eaten here.  I've had a few interesting things in the past few days.  I hope I will be able to get to those soon.

Until then, take it easy and stay safe.

Dusk

Hi guys!

I only have a food update for you today as we are still packing things up to move Boyfriend's mom to a new apartment this week.  As a result, not a whole lot of interesting things going on as of late beyond what I'm eating, but that's fine.  Food's always interesting.

So, to start off, for lunch yesterday, Boyfriend and I went out for some black pepper beef and curry.  Standard sounding stuff, but very different from what I get in the west.  Both dishes are much spicier than I am used to having and not in the painful way.  For those of you in the west who may not be aware, in the east, spicy foods are incredibly flavourful on top of the hot spiciness we're used to.  It's really great.  The curry was far smoother than I was expecting and a touch too spicy for me.  I did manage to eat a good portion of it, though, and it was so tasty.

For dinner, we had hainan chicken rice which you can sort of get in the west, though it's not quite the same.  In the west, the chicken sauce is lacking in some sort of taste that it normally has here.  It's not really a taste that I can explain.  It's a subtle difference, yet it makes all the difference in the world.  The same for the rice that goes into this dish.  I'm not sure what goes into it, but it has a wonderful flavour in it that would have made me enjoy rice much more as a child (I was notorious for not liking rice).  In the west, this dish is served with plain white rice which--by comparison--is fine, but like the chicken sauce, it is lacking.  You might not think that something so small would be such a big deal, but it is.  This is not to say that the western version of it is bad, it's good in its own right, it just isn't the same.  As Boyfriend put it, it's fine, but it should have a name of its own as it very much is not the same.  A little fun fact for you all, Singapore is actually famous for this dish, so if you get a chance to come this way, definitely look for a local place to have it!

Today, during a break in packing, Boyfriend and I went out and got some ramen for lunch.  Doesn't sound interesting enough for you?  Well, let me tell you that it's not like any of that instant stuff that you get at the super market...well, maybe just a little bit like it depending on what you get.  Boyfriend's dish was more similar to the super market stuff, but definitely nicer still.  And, surprise, surprise!  Ramen isn't curly as you might think due to the instant super market ramen.  It's pretty straight, and honestly, much tastier.  What the difference is in the making of the two to make them taste so different, I may never know, but the texture and taste are both much nicer.

I got a curry pork ramen which we both thought might be too spicy for me as I'm not particularly good with spicy foods and...well, I AM in Singapore.  Luckily for me, it wasn't all that spicy after all.  It was spicy enough to be enjoyable, but it wasn't spicy enough to warrant a gulp of cold water between bites.  Unluckily for me, my body decided that I needed to cough just as I was swallowing some of the curry soup and, believe me when I tell you, curry soup travelling up your nasal passage is NOT a nice feeling.  I'm just glad that the feeling of curry soup up my nose finally passed so I could enjoy the rest of my ramen and my strawberry soda because it really would have been a shame to waste it.

On a side note, I don't know how people can eat hot things in such a hot country, but hey, each to their own.  Maybe I'll just get used to it in this month and a bit that I'm staying.  We'll see.  After all, I, apparently, already handle the sunlight better than a number of the locals.

Finally, I just thought I'd share a picture of my ramen with you all.  Yes, it really does look like the stuff on animes, and it's great.  You really should try the real deal if you get the opportunity.  You won't regret it.

Anyway, that's all I have for you now.

Until next time,

Dusk

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't updated you on my trip until now, but since we're still pretty early into it, I thought it shouldn't be too bad.

So, today is the morning of my third day in Singapore.  I arrived in the early morning of the first day, so I've only really been here for two nights.  I would say that the jet lag is bad since I did just go through a 12-hour time change, but in all honesty, I think I did pretty well.  It's probably because I couldn't sleep any longer than an hour at a time on the plane on top of the fact that I absolutely refused to sleep until the later part of the day after we landed.  I ended up taking a few hours' nap between 4:00-7:00PM which definitely went against my attempt at sullying the jet lag, but surprisingly, despite waking up at around 3:00AM the next morning, it didn't affect me much.  I definitely blame Boyfriend for the nap though.  When he's sleepy, he gives off an entirely sleepy vibe that spreads to me if I'm close by and I end up dozing off too.  Aside from that, I'm gradually waking up at more normal hours (around 5:00-5:30AM) and sleeping at more normal hours (around 10:00PM).

In terms of culture shock, I can't say that's too bad either.  There are some little things that are done differently around here that I'm not used to like hanging all of the laundry up to dry instead of select items and boiling the tap water before drinking it instead of drinking it straight from the tap, but it's not too bad.  I think my biggest shock, if any, is how much I'm hearing Mandarin being used around here by comparison to home.  I hear some at home, but more often than not, I hear Cantonese and English.  When I'm walking around with Boyfriend, I do feel a touch out of my element, but it was definitely to be expected.  I think the one thing that surprises, and entertains, me the most is the fact that the locals here stay out of the sunlight as much as humanly possibly and only walk through it when necessary.  On my first day here, Boyfriend had already reverted back to his habits from when he lived here and walked only in the shade while I walked in the sun.  It takes a little getting used to, but the sun actually feels quite nice on my skin despite how hot it is out.  So far, we've had weather averaging at around 30 degrees Celsius, and boy, did we ever feel that yesterday.  I think we felt it more yesterday because it might have been more humid while the first day wasn't quite as much, though definitely more humid and hot than I'm used to.

Today, a friend I met through Boyfriend is going to come by to help us pack and hang out a bit.  They haven't seen each other in...I'm going to say at least 5 years as that was the last time Boyfriend was back here.  I think it'll be pretty interesting meeting him for the first time, in person anyway.  I've talked to him plenty of times online prior to now (since my first year of university, actually) and we have had some conversations over Skype video chats, so I have an idea of what to expect.  He does occasionally get a touch unpredictable, but that's cool.  Keeps things interesting.

I hope we get this packing done soon, it sure does make things feel much hotter around here.  Plus, I want to wander around more and see what Boyfriend grew up with.  I did come for an adventure after all.

Well, that's all I have for you today, but I'll be back again soon.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi everyone,

So, in the time between finishing school and going to Singapore, I've been pretty busy with getting the house ready to be put on market and moving back in with my parents.  All of this is giving me a really weird feeling.  I'm excited and nervous to be going on this trip, but I'm also quite sad about leaving and selling the house.  I've lived in it for the past four years and, honestly, despite the spiders, I really love it.  It's a small little wartime house that's actually the perfect size for one to three people.  I can clean the entire house within two hours and it's walking distance from everything I need.  It is small and calm and has some interesting colours.  Whoever had the house before me really liked their earth tones and, for that house, it's great.  If anything, it added to the calmness, that is, if you're one of those who's okay with lime green.  I don't mind it, myself.

Even the neighbourhood is calm and the kids actually go outside and play together.  It's nice seeing them knock on each other's doors to come out to play.  It's not really something you see anymore because many tend to play online together and talk through Skype more now, I find.

Everything about where I was situated for school between my second and fifth years is great.  If you had asked me in my earlier years of university, I never would have admitted it, but secretly, I did enjoy having a place to call my own away from home.  To be on my own has been a great experience and I really wish it's one I could keep at right now, but I just don't have the resources to do that at the moment.  If I really could, though, I think I'd actually keep that little wartime house.  It's done me well.  My dad told me that if I were to stay in the little city, we would look for a better house, but I don't think I'd stand for that.  Not after everything this sweet little house and I have gone through.  Sure, it has its faults, but who and what doesn't?  Besides, it's very...Brantford.  It has a...stitched together sort of feeling.  When you walk through the house, you can see which parts were added on later or modified, maybe even repainted.  Not like the cookie cutter houses you get now that are all perfect and two dimensional.  No.  This house has character.  It has spice.  It has life.  It's seen things that I haven't, that my parents haven't, and who knows?  Maybe it's even seen things that my grandparents haven't.  I guess it's true what they say: If these walls could talk, they would have so much to say.  To hear the stories and experiences from that house and all it's been through would be amazing.

I'm really going to miss it.  The house.  The city.  The people.  Now, I just hope that whoever lives in the house next will love it the same way I did.

À bientôt, Brantford. Je t'aime.
Dusk

Hi guys,

So, I've been in the house that I stay at for school for about a week now with Boyfriend and Dad to fix it up a bit before we sell it and can I just say that this has been an incredibly tough thing to deal with?  Sure, I'm done school, I'm what you call a "grown-up" now, but I'm not sure I want to be.  I love learning and as you might have seen in a previous post, I've learned to love this city.  Well, in addition to loving the city, I've also learned to love this house.  It has its fair share of spiders, which, let's just say involves using the vacuum cleaner loads, but aside from that it's been good.  It's held up for more years than I know (it's a great little wartime house with a few add-ons over the years) and surely for many years to come.  I just wish we didn't have to sell it.  Part of me wants to stay here and keep the house, but another part of me knows that to stay here means giving up on a few things that I really enjoy back at home like the company of my friends and food.  I know that I can make more friends and find a job here, but it's just not entirely the life for me.  I love the small town feel over the hustle and bustle of big city life, but it doesn't have the variety that I need.  Here, I have a good number of fast food options, but all are basically the same.  The same goes for the grocery stores, there are a good few with some variety in foods, but they're mostly catering towards the Caucasian demographic because that's mostly what we have here.  At home, there are more food choices in the grocery stores and the restaurants, which comes with it the different price ranges.  Here, I have discovered select places to go for decent food prices in terms of groceries, but only for a few things.  At home, because there are Chinese supermarkets as well as the more Caucasian geared grocery stores, I can get many of the same things for a much lower price.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've really learned to love this city and this house and I'm really sad to leave, but in the long run, it doesn't quite have everything I'm looking for.  I know I'm in a good spot and I truly am lucky to even be able to afford living away from home and gaining this sort of experience, but everything has to end and continue on eventually.  I want to visit again when I can to meet with my professors and catch up, but it just won't feel the same checking into a little motel instead of coming to this house.  We've been through a lot together and in its own way, it has been quite the friend to me.  I'm going to miss it here.  Knowing that although I will be able to drive by the house to see how it's holding up, but I can't come in is somewhat heart-wrenching.  And to even consider how much the next owners might change it, even just a little, makes me afraid to even drive by because like my profs, I want to remember it for how it is.  For what I believe its essence to be.  So, also like my profs, I have not taken a picture of it.  Not of the exterior anyway.  I took a few pictures of the interior prior to the renovations.  I might still consider taking some pictures of the exterior, but we'll see.  A picture just won't be able to capture this house for what it really is and that's what I want to remember.  My profs, on the other hand, I have taken no images of interior or exterior (haha, I'm so funny--not really).  I had considered briefly, but either in class or not, it didn't feel right.  It would either feel too posed or like it still wouldn't capture the people for who they are.  I would never be able to capture their liveliness, their charm, or the way they captivate the students with their excitement over the topics being discussed.

A lot of things and people have changed my perceptions of this city and this house tremendously in the years I've been here.  I feel like living here and meeting the people I have have really helped me to grow up and learn about who I am and how I've changed over the years.  I know that moving forward is my only option, but to continue living here in this somewhat relaxed environment would be nice.  The only problem is that I know that there is so much more exploring for me to do out there and within myself.

I know that this, and a few of my previous posts, have been a little blue because of my current state of mind, but what can I say?  That's just how things are right now.  I have entered my so-called "blue period" in which I will be discovering, even more so, who I am, where I should go, and what I want to be.  Things will go back to normal with the odd rant or sarcastic post here and there soon as well as some book reviews, so hang in there and thanks for reading.

Dusk

Hi guys,

It's time for another personal post.

Late tonight, my sister, my mom, and myself were all talking and we happened upon our plans for the weekend which involve a get together with some family for a cousin's birthday.  In talking about it, my mom mentioned who was going and how my aunt (the middle sister out of three, my mom being the eldest) would not be there.  I told her that it was a shame because I do genuinely like this family although a good portion of the rest of the family doesn't seem to understand them or really try, I find.  When I voiced my disappointment and told her how I actually quite enjoy the company of my younger cousin in the family--we'll call her Stevie--she said, "you do?" in complete disbelief and my sister laughed at my mother's response.  The thing is, some in this family do not immediately come across as the most personable people to many, but once you talk to them and hang out with them enough, they are incredibly pleasant to be around and Stevie is no exception.

You see, there was a point in time where my mom and her siblings thought it would be a good idea to rent a large cottage for a week so that we could all spend some time together and actually start being more of a family.  One of my cousins and I were excited, but also apprehensive since it was a full week and there was definitely a chance that we could quickly grow sick of each other.  Luckily, that didn't happen.  At least, we weren't sick of everyone present (this is the side of the family that one uncle I don't like is on).  The idea of this week-long cottage trip was to force us all to act more like a family since we don't all live that close together and only see everyone once or twice a year.  I don't know if it worked well for anyone else, but I found that it brought me and this one sister's family closer together.  I talked more with my cousins--one of which I already talk to more often than all others--as well as my aunt and uncle.  This is where I learned that, although strict and somewhat temperamental, my aunt is pretty cool and my uncle is actually really interesting.  But what I found most important and most interesting was that Stevie opened up to me.  We started talking more and after a big downpour, she called me to come outside because she and her older brother--Ashton, we'll call him--were catching frogs and she wanted me to join them.  At this point in time, it has been years since I felt this close to them again.  We used to play a lot when we were younger, but as they years went on, she started to distance herself from my siblings and myself to the point where she sort of shut everyone out, it felt like.  Having her open up again was fantastic.  I loved it.  Unfortunately, the week just wasn't enough to get her to open up anymore, so after we parted at week's end, we didn't see each other again for at least half a year resulting in her distancing herself again.  On top of this, family get-togethers are, at best, biannual making it extremely difficult for us to make the same connection we had at the cottage.  Since then, I've been hoping that she'd open up again, but it doesn't look like it will happen.  After the second cottage trip two years ago, my family decided that we won't be doing it again.

Now, if my family had made the effort and tried to connect with my aunt and Stevie the way I had, I think they would change their minds about them, but I often feel like our mindsets are just too different and that they would never try.  As pessimistic as this sounds, I think, unfortunately, that this is probably the most realistic chain of events simply because of how my family seems to work.  Don't get me wrong, I do like a lot of my family on my mom's side, but their attitude towards certain people really turn me off because they never really give them a chance.  It really feels like the popular kids judging and excluding the less popular.  But don't think that I'm trying to hold myself up above them as some sort of saint for hanging out with whom I can only describe, in this scenario, as the underdog because that's not what I'm trying to do.  I have my faults too and I'll admit that I'll do this also with different kinds of people.  It's something we all do.  As human beings, we can not help it.  I'm just drawn to this particular cousin because I think the two of us might have more in common than we think.  It's just a matter of reconnecting and finding out what these things are.  I just wish the rest of my family would give her a chance because her separating herself from everyone else is not an act of believed superiority at all.  If anything, it's more like the family is excluding her because they don't understand her which really sucks.  It feels like she really needs a friend at these gatherings and I really want to be it because she is incredibly cool, but no one else sees that because she's different from them.  In many ways, I guess I am too and that's why I like her.  I just wish it were easier to be inclusive of everyone at the same time, but everyone at these gatherings are just so different that it's impossible.  One literally must go from group to group, just like in school.  The only problem is that moving through the crowd at these gatherings is much less fluid than it was for me in school.  I can only hope that I learn to do it at the gatherings soon because I really want to be there for Stevie.

I guess we'll just have to see how this weekend goes.  I really wish they could make it.  Next time, I suppose.

That's all I have for tonight.  I just needed a good rant.

Hope you all are doing well.

I'll see you in my next post,
Dusk