Hey guys,

Okay, the title is a bit heavy.  You're going to understand why in a second.

Now, before I start, I almost wish I could tell you that I'm mixed race or something like that, but I'm not.  It would make it so much easier, to be honest.  If anything, if feels almost like my mind is mixed.

You see, I'm Chinese.  Full Chinese.  But I was born and raised in Canada.  One of the two "Hong Kong"s of Canada, even.  So, you would probably immediately figure that I would know how to speak, understand, and maybe read a little Chinese. Problem is: I don't.  Sure, I went to Chinese school as a kid, but not nearly as long as some others.  Though, I'm not entirely sure how far Chinese classes go.  I may have gotten most of the years in, if I'm lucky.  Even if I did, it still probably wouldn't have done much because of what I'm about to tell you next.

My dad is also full Chinese and was born and raised in Canada.  For some reason, though, his parents also spoke to him in English.  So, somehow, knows less Chinese than I do.  When I was younger, I had more exposure to the Chinese language.  My maternal grandmother only knew how to speak Chinese, my babysitter only knew how to speak Chinese, my mom, who is an immigrant, even spoke more Chinese and watched Chinese dramas then.  But for some reason, fast forward into my high school and university years, my dad decides that he doesn't like the Chinese shows she watches and complained about them all the time to the point where my mom actually stopped watching them.  My grandmother passed away, and my babysitter went back to live with her daughter.  My general exposure to the language was almost entirely gone.  I still have people here and there who will speak to me in Chinese, but not nearly as much as before.  I don't hear the language around me as much.  When my brother was born, for some reason, my mom spoke to him in English more because "he didn't understand", but given enough time, he would have just as I did.

So, here I am in my twenties.  I look Chinese, but I can only speak and understand a little.  I can't read or write enough to get a full sentence.  And I'm terrified that when I'm older, my mom will revert back to speaking Chinese, and I won't be able to communicate effectively with her.  People talk to me in Chinese in either Mandarin or Cantonese because they see my face and immediately think that I would understand.  And, in my mind, I feel like I should.  Cantonese anyway.  But I don't and I hate it.  I feel like I'm living with two cultures fighting inside of me, and I suppose I am.  I excelled in my English classes and graduated university with a Bachelor's of Arts in Honours English.  Don't get me wrong.  I love it and I'm incredibly proud of that.  But many other Chinese students have trouble with English classes and actually have pretty good communication in Chinese.  I feel like, at this point in my life, I should be bilingual but I'm not.  It's like I put on a face that says one thing when really I'm another.  But, I don't...it's just...my face.

The worst part of it all is that when I try to learn Chinese by watching the televisions series, I tend to gravitate more towards English shows simply because they're easier to understand.  It's so frustrating.

I wish I could have brought something lighter to the blog today, but this was just on my mind and needed to get out.  Hopefully, the next post will be easier.

Dusk

Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

"You're not enough
Never enough"
That's what they tell me.

You aren't trying enough.
You aren't working hard enough.
You need to work your way up.

It's not that simple.
I can try
But if they won't let me,
There's no moving up.

I have to dig
and pick
and scrounge
to find something,
to do something that will help me
Move on.

They won't let me let go.
They won't let go.
They keep pushing
Pushing towards something that
I
Don't
Want.

They won't listen
because they think that I'm still
Not enough.

They think that what I'm doing
What I want is
Not enough.

What I want is different.
That doesn't mean that
I think
that it's not enough.

I think it is.
I want it.
But for them,
I'll never be
Enough.

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

When you're trying to get something done, be it a project for school or work, or you're in a relationship, the simplest and most fundamental way to make sure that everything gets sorted out neatly is through communication.  Talk to your group members, teachers, professors, partner about what needs to get done, what's being done, and by whom because when one party says, "Don't worry about it, I have this covered" but never actually tells you or anyone involved what it is that they are doing or completely disconnects from the group from that point onward without so much as a brief status report so that everyone knows where the other stands, everyone but that party is unaware of the goings on.  They don't know if they should be working on, say, the lone party's part of the project on top of their own because, perhaps, that lone party is not actually pulling their weight, or they could be doing something completely irrelevant.  Alternatively, the lone party could be doing exactly what he/she should be or said they would do, but nobody knows, and so, everyone else takes charge to do the part they believe the lone party is supposed to be doing just in case only to find out in the end that the lone party has everything under control.

A simple bit of communication can save a lot of work and stress for everyone involved.  The lone party may think that everything is fine, but without proper communication with the other members, this one person can cause a great deal of unnecessary work and stress to build up on the rest of the group which is unfair as it could have been easily avoided.  Additionally, the lone party may think that what the other involved parties did was unnecessary and potentially take offense towards the reasoning they had behind it.

Good communication is paradoxically the simplest and most difficult thing to do whether it is between group project members, partners, or immediate family members.  We are afraid that we might offend or insult someone due to a simple misinterpretation in our tone or wording, while it is also through communication that we can try to clear up any such things and forgive one another.  We often feel that the easiest way to not offend someone and to avoid misinterpretation by avoiding proper communication surrounding a particular topic altogether (be it about a project or an issue within a relationship). 

Unfortunately, this is one of our biggest downfalls as human beings as we rely on a communication system that is vague and can be misinterpreted in many different ways.  A single sentence can appear to have multiple meanings when the speaker only intended one.  Where our complex, but well-intentioned languages and feelings fail, most other animals excel at because they don't hold back for fear of insulting.  They tell each other in clear and direct ways what it is they want.  If a wolf, for example, were pestering another, the second would surely growl a warning.  Should the first wolf not heed this warning, he would receive a warning bite telling the him that if he continues, the situation will escalate.  Of  course, it is incredibly anthropocentric to claim that our languages and feelings are more complex than that of any other animal in the world as they do have intricate languages and feelings of their own, but if we were to learn from their example and actually say what we mean and mean what we say, life as a human would be much simpler.  We would not have to skirt around each other's feelings.  In fact,  we would be respecting each other's feelings more as we wouldn't be assuming that everyone is so delicate that even the smallest mention of something that bothers us will offend.

All in all, I think we have much to learn from the other animals around us when it comes to communication.  We should be more straight-forward instead of trying to spare each other's feelings because in doing so, we are actually creating people who are more easily offended by smaller and smaller things.  And finally, as an animal whose world is supposedly built on communication, we really suck at it.

Some times, I feel insecure.
Some times, I feel inadequate.

Some times, people make me feel insecure.
Some times, people make me feel inadequate.

I've spent five years in university learning who I am, accepting who I am.  Learning what I'm good at, learning to accept it.  I've become more secure in myself because of it, but some times...some times, something seeps through.  A word here.  A comment there.  It's silly, really.  To have spent so long learning about and developing my character, creating my reality, only to let others tear it down.  To become secure in oneself should make it easier to let such things slide off one's back, but it's not so easy.

I am porous like a sponge.

I take in what I see and what I hear.  Some times, I take in things that I shouldn't.

It festers.

It grows like an infection.

It tears me apart from the inside out and I don't know how to handle it.  I crumble and I fall.  My reality--for the moment--is lost.  I don't know who I am, what I'm good at.

I've lost all that I am.

I need to gather my pieces.  Put myself back together.

                                  anew.
                        grow
                    I
             bit,
       by
Bit

I gather myself back up.  I learn.  I strengthen.

A new piece appears in my puzzle, I don't know where it goes yet.  In time, I will learn and it will fit.  It will become a part of my armour.  A weapon I can use to shield myself against those who try to tear me down and to fight back.  I just have to learn where it goes, what it does, how it can help me.

My reality will be whole again.  I will become me.

A greater,
stronger
me.

My uncle looking at us eat some fish that we caught: Ewww, they have heads!!!

My thoughts: Ewww, you have a head!  Even worse!  It's full of ignorance to the point that it's overflowing!  I don't want to hear it!  Get it away!

~~~

Tonight, if he plans to make any such comment although we most likely won't have anything with a head still attached, I plan to point at the salad and say, "Ewww, it's full of heads!"

Uncle at a family gathering, almost every adult has defaulted to speaking Chinese.

Uncle: English, please!

My thoughts: You're damned lucky everyone else here would bother to cater to you. 

He also doesn't like Chinese food, so we have to cook a separate plate of food just for him. 

Uhm, hello?! Chinese family.  You knowingly married into it.  You're the odd one out here, so if anyone needs to conform here, it's you.  Why should we cater to you, huh?  Give me one good reason.  That's right, there isn't one.  Quit acting like a freaking BABY and get OVER yourself!

If you EVER come over to my house and I have kids by that point in time, you'd better damn well be better behaved than them!  If you're not, if you're still going to be a whiny little stink hole, you know what I'm going to say to you?  The exact.  Same.  Words.  That you said to me when I said that I wanted to lose some weight: Oh. Wah.

I will cook a Chinese meal.  I will NOT cook you a separate dish because you're a whiny little prick!  If you complain, I will tell you, "In this household, you eat what is put in front of you, or you don't eat at all because there are people out there who aren't fortunate enough to even HAVE food so readily available for them." 

Then, I will turn to my kids and ask them, "Isn't that right, kids?" and turn back to face you with the most acid-filled smile you have EVER seen IN YOUR LIFE!

So, don't you freaking complain. 

"How is taking a bra off liberating?"

"Here, let me explain it to you...Imagine your balls in super skinny jeans...oh wait, you don't have any.  Nevermind then.  Toodles!"

My uncle bragging to my dad about how cool my uncle's camera is.

Dad: We have the same camera

Uncle: ...My lens is bigger.

My thoughts: Yeah, but you can't use it properly.

Dude, I totally know what you're trying to say with that stupid lens of yours.  Both of our sentences have double entendres and I totally mean both implications in my sentence.

See this soup here? I am devouring all of your hopes and dreams simply by eating what is in this soup. It is a very flavourful soup. You have many fascinating hopes and dreams. They are quite tasty.

Now, see this other soup? In it is your ability to accomplish these hopes and dreams of yours. It’s quite bland.

Hey, guys.

I think, because I'm sarcastic just SO often, I'm going to post it all on here to see what you guys think.  Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't.  But it would definitely get a lot off my chest.  Hope you enjoy. =]

Dusk

Maybe I chose to be alone.
They say that the life of a writer is a lonely one.
I'm still not sure of what I want to do.  But I know one thing:
I like to be alone.

Maybe it's not good for my "development"
But, maybe I just don't like to be around people.
Don't force me out of my space to be with people
Perhaps I just want to be here by myself.

So, don't take me out of where I want to be.
Don't force me to go places.
I just want to stay here,
Don't immerse me into your universe. 
I live in my own,
I live in many.

Hey, guys;

Remember that one uncle I have that I don't particularly like?  Well, had dinner with Mom's side of the family and, of course, he was there.  I didn't really talk to him at all besides, "Bye," at the end of everything. 

I was sitting at the table talking to (I think it was) Mom saying how I just knew I'd gain weight this month because of exams and then Christmas right after.  I mean, what with all the food, sleep, and studying, then coming home to MORE FOOD!  He just happened to be at the table getting food at the time (the table is too small for everyone to sit at so we just kind of scatter to wherever we feel) when I was tlaking about this and all he said was, "Oh wah."  If I wasn't across the table from him, at a family dinner, and if he said that to one of my friends, I think I would have decked him.  I mean, GOD!  How insensitive can he be?

My aunt and uncle who live at this house are also sort of strict with the dog, I guess they don't want her to be fat, I don't know.  They don't usually feed the dog scraps or bones from the table.  She was also getting in the way at the time and they were scolding her.  The same uncle, again, says, "This is Canada.  We treat dogs like family here.  Go home."  All I could think was, "Annndddd what is your background, huh?  You aren't native to this place.  Besides, WHAT is "Canadian"?  It's freaking MULTICULTURAL!  That means there are DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES HERE!  There is no ONE thing that makes us all Canadian.  We just live here.  Why don't YOU go home?!" 

He's so damned annoying and good at ruining everything.  I still don't know how my aunt ended up with him.  If my boyfriend were like that, I would have punched him so hard he'd vomit and left him for good.  Luckily for me, and my boyfriend, he's a real good guy.  He's quite alright being on equal terms and he's not a tick about me "being out of the kitchen" as I've seen so much of the Internet being morons about.  This is one of my favourite traits about him.  That, and he's completely okay with having a girlfriend that is pretty aggressive.  I mean, when I'm really frustrated, I need to hit something.  No, I don't hit him, if that's what you're thinking.  I used to be in TKD and I really want to go back because 1.  I am rather out of shape now, and 2.  I need to let my frustrations out. 

Anyway, besides my uncle, the dinner and my family were all fantastic.  I love them all and wish my other aunt and uncle and their kids could have been there.  I miss them so much and I hope they have a fantastic holiday.

Happy holidays to everyone and I wish you all the best!

Until next time,
Dusk

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I don't fit in.
I'm sorry I don't like what you do.
I'm sorry I don't conform.

I'm sorry that I care about words.
I'm sorry that I care about grammar, punctuation, quotations

I'm sorry that I have thoughts.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are my own.
I'm sorry that you don't agree with them.

I'm sorry that you don't understand.
I'm sorry that you don't like it.
I don't either
Sometimes.

I'm sorry for the things out of my control.
I'm sorry for the things that are.

I'm sorry you don't like me the way I am.
I'm sorry you don't accept it.
I'm sorry I won't change.
I'm sorry that I'm stubborn.

But, most of all
I am sorry
For being me.

That feeling
Of never being just right.
Never good enough
No.
Never good enough for the people around you.
The people around me.

I'm not smart enough
Not fast enough
Not pretty enough
Not normal enough.

My clothes are too dark.
My hair is too flat.
I don't wear enough makeup.
I don't wear any makeup.

I'm not good at anything
I'm not good at everything.

My mind is too different.
My thoughts are too strange.
My ideas are too abnormal.

I'm not normal.
What is normal?
Nobody is normal.

I am myself.
I am what I want today
I'll be what I want tomorrow
I will do what I want
To be what I want.

I am myself.
I am
Me.