Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

The future is scary and that's okay.

Boyfriend and I have been talking a bit recently about what our plans for the future are in terms of careers as, firstly, while we are living with his mom in Singapore, it's brought up quite often anyway, and secondly, it is something we'd have to think about soon since we just received our undergraduate degrees.

Right now, it seems like we're going to take roughly a year out of school and decide whether or not we want to go back or if we can make it without.  Personally, I think he'll go back.  He tells me he was never much of a school guy, but he likes to learn and I can definitely see him excelling in whichever path he chooses.  He's a pretty versatile guy when it comes to the options he's given himself.

For me, I'm not sure if I want to return to school to get a Master's degree or even a PhD, but the more we talk about it, the more it seems a bit enticing.  I've never been one to feel like writing a dissertation or anything formal would be something I'd want to do, but some times when I look at what I've studied, or when I read something, it's the only way I can work with it.  I still prefer to write fiction, but it's been so long since I've properly sat down to write any fiction outside of a dialogue that I don't know if I could do it.  I would need to sit down and read more fiction first to pick my style back up again, I think.

I like the idea of living off my writing whether it be on my blog, on Youtube (writing scripts for myself to discuss different topics), publishing various forms of fiction, or even using my writing as a form of discussion like many critical thinkers.  For most of these things, I wouldn't need any formal graduate degree to do them, but for the last one especially, it would be helpful because it would give my arguments that much more heft.  I would be able to not only say what I have to say and potentially have people retort, but also be recognised as a person who knows what she's talking about in a formal situation should it come to that.  Perhaps my writing would be able to be used in classrooms and university or college lectures that way.  Who knows?

In the mean time, I'm trying to figure out what I could get into for at least this coming year.  Perhaps work in a book shop or something to pass the time and make a little money to support myself and hopefully move out.  Whatever happens, I'm glad that it looks like  Boyfriend and I will be going through it together and supporting each other.  It's something that we'd both like and I definitely feel like I need.  I like being able to discuss my current foggy future with someone who understands where I am in my head and in my life.  He knows that I'm unsure of which direction I want to go, but he also knows that I want to be able to be self reliant and he's supporting me every step of the way.  If it weren't for him I don't know where I'd be right now.  I wouldn't have even considered a Master's or any other form of graduate degree.  I know my mom wants me to get one, but that doesn't feel so much as if it's for me as it does for her peace of mind because it appears to be the minimum requirement for anything now-a-days.

I'm just glad that I have someone with whom I can venture through life now.  A romantic relationship is certainly not something everyone needs at this point in time, or for some, ever, but for me, this works.  I have the kind of support I need and, in turn, I am able to support him and we are able to bounce ideas about our future with one another without outside influence because we listen to each other and what the other wants and needs.  For all of you out there going through this time in life, you do it your way.  My way is by no means any model towards which you need to strive.  What works for me might not necessarily work for you and vice versa.  But no matter what happens, I hope things turn out well for you.

Best of luck to everyone.

Dusk

I've never wanted to become a teacher.  Never. 

My parents, for some reason can see me becoming one in the future, but I can't.  Mostly because of how they always put teachers down.  They do admit that there are good teachers out there that care about their students and what not.  But, you know what?  I can't talk in front of people, I can't teach well, and I don't want to be one of those people that gets lumped into a generalization so that I can be told that I'm useless.  That I do nothing, and that I complain all the time about not being paid enough.

Maybe I wouldn't be one of those teachers, but who knows?  Either way, I don't want to be one.  The big problem is, a lot of people don't always end up doing what they want to, and I don't even know what I want to do.

If I end up being a teacher, whether I'm looked down on or not, I would want to be a philosophy teacher.  I'd tell the kids that life is pointless.  That, society is pointless.  Getting a job is pointless.  But, most of all, I'd tell them that school is pointless.  It's a big, pointless, brainwashing facility where they make kids think "inside the box."  They don't allow much freedom in thought or exploration.  What is being learned at school is pointless.  I'd only encourage them to come to class to learn how to think.  That's what the kids need.  They need to know how to think critically.  It's true.

They need to be able to recognise that they don't need all this cyclic, pointless work.  People are too focused on material things.  That's the whole reason why society runs the way it does.  They tell you that you want something, that you love it, and finally, that you need it.  But, you don't.  You don't, but they won't let you see it that way.  No.  That's the whole reason for people having jobs.  So, they can have money to buy these things that they don't need.  Even if we did want something, why do we need to pay for it?  Why do we need money?  Now, I'm not a thief, I don't steal.  I do pay for things.  But, I don't see a reason for it.

We pay to get food, when, in the past, we would have been able to get the food ourselves.  We'd be hunting and eating like all the other creatures out there.  We've been sucked into this hyperreality, and there's almost no way out of it unless we can think against it.  Think outside of it.

I'm not encouraging people to be thieves or to go around vandalizing things or skip school and not to bother getting a job no matter how much it sounds like I am.  All that I want, is to have people realise that they might not need what they think they do, what society thinks they do and programmed them to think they do. 

I simply want people to be able to think for themselves instead of having something like the government telling them what to think.

Hey guys!

So, Boyfriend is back at school, I'm starting again on Monday (yay...) and everything's relatively fine and dandy. 

Over the summer, I have gotten four of his shirts because he outgrew them and they were still in decent condition.  Needless to say that I've been wearing them.  Well...two actually.  One to sleep in, one to go out in (for the record, I have no idea how he kept that white shirt SO white...neither of us are particularly neat and we're both clumsy as heck).  The other two are dress shirts, both of which I can wear rather casually.  Except one is a bit too big so it'll have to stay unbuttoned...which is a shame.  I really love the look of it.

I've also been talking fairly regularly with one of his friends.  He's a real pleasant guy to talk to, I really wish he could see that.  He's real sweet and nice.  It's a shame I have to wait a year to actually meet him, but hey!  Definitely worth the wait.  He's an interesting one. =]

I'm not particularly sure about how I feel about going back to school, I mean, yes, my friends will be there, but at the same time, my friends from home won't be.  I haven't seen much of them this summer either what with our jobs and all.  I wish I could have spent more time with them.  Being away for nearly two months doesn't help.  But, whatever. 

I think it's safe to say that I won't be going to another field school next summer, so I should have more time to hang around everybody.  At least, that's what I'm hoping. 

Not entirely sure how coming home from school for weekends is going to work yet.  There's this one friend that I usually take the train with once I reach downtown, but he's working right after school now, so I don't want him to be late.  Not to mention in second term, I have classes right when I normally take the train, so not sure how to handle that yet.  I guess I'll just take it as it comes.

Anyway, I guess this is just my little rambling update about the summer.

I hope you've all been doing well, and I will see you all soon!

Dusk

Hey Everyone,

So, as you know, if you have read my previous post, you'd know that I moved out of residence, otherwise known as "That Sad Hell Hole of an Apartment," and into Nicole's house. 

Nicole's house is SO much nicer, cleaner, and the people living there are much more considerate.  I couldn't be more grateful.  I still have yet to hand in my keys.  Unfortunately, I need to wait until Wednesday to do that since that is when the don is free.  Besides that, I'm totally ready for summer...you know...beside the fact that I don't have a job yet...It's tough trying to find a job and have all these papers and such at the same time...I don't know how some people do it.

It's weird being so far from the bank and from Ian's, but I ought to get used to it anyway.  I'm not going to be living on campus next year.  It's also weird not going home by train with my friend, Daniel, anymore.  I miss him.  My parents have been coming down on the weekends to look at houses and I'd go home with them.  Except for this past weekend where I stayed to go to a party with Nicole.  She wanted me to meet her friends, and to be honest, I like them.  They're interesting and funny. =]

It's still weird catching a bus before classes and a ride with her mom after classes.  Mind you, it hasn't even been a full week since the incident, so I guess it would make sense. 

Anyway, more next time.  For now, chill, get your stuff done, and be prepared for the happy "I'm officially out of residence!" celebration!

Until then,

Dusk