Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

"You're not enough
Never enough"
That's what they tell me.

You aren't trying enough.
You aren't working hard enough.
You need to work your way up.

It's not that simple.
I can try
But if they won't let me,
There's no moving up.

I have to dig
and pick
and scrounge
to find something,
to do something that will help me
Move on.

They won't let me let go.
They won't let go.
They keep pushing
Pushing towards something that
I
Don't
Want.

They won't listen
because they think that I'm still
Not enough.

They think that what I'm doing
What I want is
Not enough.

What I want is different.
That doesn't mean that
I think
that it's not enough.

I think it is.
I want it.
But for them,
I'll never be
Enough.

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

So, things have been really slow for me lately.  It's been quite difficult finding a job, and moreso, a job that won't leave me completely broken down in anxiety.  I was really lucky last summer in finding a job that allowed me to work steady, consistent hours instead of shifts, but the more I look at how things are right now, it seems that might not be possible to do.  I don't really know how to deal with this right now besides continuing to search. 

The only solution I've come up with is potentially selling stuff online, but I'll have to get money to get started.  My problem with this is that because I've moved back in with my parents, they'll have something to say about everything.  So far, my mom's comment on this is, "Isn't that more of a side thing, though?"  Thing is, it's all I have right now, so I may as well start.  It's better than the whole lot of nothing I've been getting.  My dad was pretty into the idea earlier in the year, but I'm not sure where he stands on it now.  Boyfriend is quite supportive of it, though.  I mean, it is quite actually taking matters into my own hands and finding a way to make money on my own outside of relying on other people to respond to my inquiries.  Plus, it'll keep me busy and mean that I could potentially move out sooner if it picks up well.

Job hunting aside, I've been routinely working myself around making dinner for my family which they seem to have fallen into the habit of expecting.  It's not the worst thing in the world, I know, but it almost feels like they don't appreciate my doing it anymore.  I mean, I do appreciate having food and having had my parents be able to provide that for me throughout my life, but something doesn't feel right.  It feels like I've fallen into a rut that I can't get out of.  Boyfriend's been a great help in terms of in the kitchen, but we've never had to work ourselves around my family to that extent before.  I have to tell them that I plan on going out the day before so that they can figure out dinner themselves.  I mean, sure, it's a thing that many parents have to do and I get that.  But I'm not a parent.  I get that we all have our roles in the home, but it feels like some have started treating me as the mother figure and at the moment, I don't like that.  I don't really know what to do.  It's really hard to plan things with Boyfriend around this because we never really plan dates.  Date-type situations just happen with us.  Whenever we try to plan a date, it never really works right.

I don't know what to do with all of this.  I'm starting to think that selling stuff online might be my best bet right now, actually.  Things have just begun to get too routine.  It almost feels like there's nothing to live for.

I've managed to hit a lucky spot and am going out with some friends tomorrow.  Hopefully that will help me feel a bit better.  I hope I find a way out of this pitfall soon.  Living on my own was so much easier.

Well, that's all for today.  I'll catch you all later.

Dusk

Some times, I feel insecure.
Some times, I feel inadequate.

Some times, people make me feel insecure.
Some times, people make me feel inadequate.

I've spent five years in university learning who I am, accepting who I am.  Learning what I'm good at, learning to accept it.  I've become more secure in myself because of it, but some times...some times, something seeps through.  A word here.  A comment there.  It's silly, really.  To have spent so long learning about and developing my character, creating my reality, only to let others tear it down.  To become secure in oneself should make it easier to let such things slide off one's back, but it's not so easy.

I am porous like a sponge.

I take in what I see and what I hear.  Some times, I take in things that I shouldn't.

It festers.

It grows like an infection.

It tears me apart from the inside out and I don't know how to handle it.  I crumble and I fall.  My reality--for the moment--is lost.  I don't know who I am, what I'm good at.

I've lost all that I am.

I need to gather my pieces.  Put myself back together.

                                  anew.
                        grow
                    I
             bit,
       by
Bit

I gather myself back up.  I learn.  I strengthen.

A new piece appears in my puzzle, I don't know where it goes yet.  In time, I will learn and it will fit.  It will become a part of my armour.  A weapon I can use to shield myself against those who try to tear me down and to fight back.  I just have to learn where it goes, what it does, how it can help me.

My reality will be whole again.  I will become me.

A greater,
stronger
me.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I don't fit in.
I'm sorry I don't like what you do.
I'm sorry I don't conform.

I'm sorry that I care about words.
I'm sorry that I care about grammar, punctuation, quotations

I'm sorry that I have thoughts.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are my own.
I'm sorry that you don't agree with them.

I'm sorry that you don't understand.
I'm sorry that you don't like it.
I don't either
Sometimes.

I'm sorry for the things out of my control.
I'm sorry for the things that are.

I'm sorry you don't like me the way I am.
I'm sorry you don't accept it.
I'm sorry I won't change.
I'm sorry that I'm stubborn.

But, most of all
I am sorry
For being me.

That feeling
Of never being just right.
Never good enough
No.
Never good enough for the people around you.
The people around me.

I'm not smart enough
Not fast enough
Not pretty enough
Not normal enough.

My clothes are too dark.
My hair is too flat.
I don't wear enough makeup.
I don't wear any makeup.

I'm not good at anything
I'm not good at everything.

My mind is too different.
My thoughts are too strange.
My ideas are too abnormal.

I'm not normal.
What is normal?
Nobody is normal.

I am myself.
I am what I want today
I'll be what I want tomorrow
I will do what I want
To be what I want.

I am myself.
I am
Me.

You know, I wish we didn't have to live in a world where insecurities come from the very things we cannot control.  I mean, everyone makes each other uncomfortable because of where they were born, how they're raised, the way they look, how they talk, all sorts of ridiculous reasons.

What's the point of making someone else feel uncomfortable?  They could do the same to you.  When we get all self conscious, we colour our hair, cake our faces in make-up, change the way we dress.  Why?  If it's not you, why bother?  The worst part is that most people look so much nicer without changing themselves like that and they don't realise it.

Other animals on the earth couldn't care less, and they don't do the weird things that we do.  If they don't care, why should we? 

We are the strangest creatures.  We take the long, unnecessary way to get things like food with this whole money thing...We don't just hunt, eat, and sleep like any other creature.   We work ourselves to death on unneeded things to get food and shelter...why?  Why do we make things unnecessary and complicated for ourselves?

We really are strange animals.

I don't understand our species.

Dusk

Hey, Everyone!

Thought I'd tell you about my mess of assignments...well, I guess it isn't that many, but when I even think about working them all out, it feels like a lot.  You see, just before the end of Reading Week, Nicole told me that I have a proposal to do for Reading Drama.  What I didn't realise was that it was actually just the outline for it.  So there I was panicking like a mad child about having to write six pages for Monday...little did I realise that I read the wrong part of the syllabus. 

I ONLY needed the outline, not the actual proposal which is due later on.  Crisis diverted...only sort of.  I also have the rough draft of an essay due this Friday, the actual essay to write, a research paper to start for Archaeology, AND the final proposal for Drama.....fun.

If I actually do plan things to work out, all should be fine.  But, having my brain, I would be thinking about anime at such a bad time...I just spent my break this afternoon watching the first three and a half episodes of Blue Exorcist.  Smart me...I think this is just a result of stress and the recent bout of depression passing...I guess you can't really call it depression, but it is just feeling really, really, REALLY down...it's getting better now.  I think what I really needed was just some companionship...even though I wanted to be alone. 

I noticed that when my roommate got back that I was feeling a bit better.  It started as that little bit of fake smiles and all that, but then Nicole came by.  Thank God that she did too.  That made me feel a LOT better. =]

If you're reading this, Nicole, thanks so much! =]

It's tough to do when you're really down, but seriously, being with your friends, even when you want to be just completely alone to mope helps SOOO much.

Anyway, more on that another time.  Class is starting soon.

Hasta la bye bye,

Dusk