Hey guys,

Okay, the title is a bit heavy.  You're going to understand why in a second.

Now, before I start, I almost wish I could tell you that I'm mixed race or something like that, but I'm not.  It would make it so much easier, to be honest.  If anything, if feels almost like my mind is mixed.

You see, I'm Chinese.  Full Chinese.  But I was born and raised in Canada.  One of the two "Hong Kong"s of Canada, even.  So, you would probably immediately figure that I would know how to speak, understand, and maybe read a little Chinese. Problem is: I don't.  Sure, I went to Chinese school as a kid, but not nearly as long as some others.  Though, I'm not entirely sure how far Chinese classes go.  I may have gotten most of the years in, if I'm lucky.  Even if I did, it still probably wouldn't have done much because of what I'm about to tell you next.

My dad is also full Chinese and was born and raised in Canada.  For some reason, though, his parents also spoke to him in English.  So, somehow, knows less Chinese than I do.  When I was younger, I had more exposure to the Chinese language.  My maternal grandmother only knew how to speak Chinese, my babysitter only knew how to speak Chinese, my mom, who is an immigrant, even spoke more Chinese and watched Chinese dramas then.  But for some reason, fast forward into my high school and university years, my dad decides that he doesn't like the Chinese shows she watches and complained about them all the time to the point where my mom actually stopped watching them.  My grandmother passed away, and my babysitter went back to live with her daughter.  My general exposure to the language was almost entirely gone.  I still have people here and there who will speak to me in Chinese, but not nearly as much as before.  I don't hear the language around me as much.  When my brother was born, for some reason, my mom spoke to him in English more because "he didn't understand", but given enough time, he would have just as I did.

So, here I am in my twenties.  I look Chinese, but I can only speak and understand a little.  I can't read or write enough to get a full sentence.  And I'm terrified that when I'm older, my mom will revert back to speaking Chinese, and I won't be able to communicate effectively with her.  People talk to me in Chinese in either Mandarin or Cantonese because they see my face and immediately think that I would understand.  And, in my mind, I feel like I should.  Cantonese anyway.  But I don't and I hate it.  I feel like I'm living with two cultures fighting inside of me, and I suppose I am.  I excelled in my English classes and graduated university with a Bachelor's of Arts in Honours English.  Don't get me wrong.  I love it and I'm incredibly proud of that.  But many other Chinese students have trouble with English classes and actually have pretty good communication in Chinese.  I feel like, at this point in my life, I should be bilingual but I'm not.  It's like I put on a face that says one thing when really I'm another.  But, I don't...it's just...my face.

The worst part of it all is that when I try to learn Chinese by watching the televisions series, I tend to gravitate more towards English shows simply because they're easier to understand.  It's so frustrating.

I wish I could have brought something lighter to the blog today, but this was just on my mind and needed to get out.  Hopefully, the next post will be easier.

Dusk

Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

"You're not enough
Never enough"
That's what they tell me.

You aren't trying enough.
You aren't working hard enough.
You need to work your way up.

It's not that simple.
I can try
But if they won't let me,
There's no moving up.

I have to dig
and pick
and scrounge
to find something,
to do something that will help me
Move on.

They won't let me let go.
They won't let go.
They keep pushing
Pushing towards something that
I
Don't
Want.

They won't listen
because they think that I'm still
Not enough.

They think that what I'm doing
What I want is
Not enough.

What I want is different.
That doesn't mean that
I think
that it's not enough.

I think it is.
I want it.
But for them,
I'll never be
Enough.

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

So, things have been really slow for me lately.  It's been quite difficult finding a job, and moreso, a job that won't leave me completely broken down in anxiety.  I was really lucky last summer in finding a job that allowed me to work steady, consistent hours instead of shifts, but the more I look at how things are right now, it seems that might not be possible to do.  I don't really know how to deal with this right now besides continuing to search. 

The only solution I've come up with is potentially selling stuff online, but I'll have to get money to get started.  My problem with this is that because I've moved back in with my parents, they'll have something to say about everything.  So far, my mom's comment on this is, "Isn't that more of a side thing, though?"  Thing is, it's all I have right now, so I may as well start.  It's better than the whole lot of nothing I've been getting.  My dad was pretty into the idea earlier in the year, but I'm not sure where he stands on it now.  Boyfriend is quite supportive of it, though.  I mean, it is quite actually taking matters into my own hands and finding a way to make money on my own outside of relying on other people to respond to my inquiries.  Plus, it'll keep me busy and mean that I could potentially move out sooner if it picks up well.

Job hunting aside, I've been routinely working myself around making dinner for my family which they seem to have fallen into the habit of expecting.  It's not the worst thing in the world, I know, but it almost feels like they don't appreciate my doing it anymore.  I mean, I do appreciate having food and having had my parents be able to provide that for me throughout my life, but something doesn't feel right.  It feels like I've fallen into a rut that I can't get out of.  Boyfriend's been a great help in terms of in the kitchen, but we've never had to work ourselves around my family to that extent before.  I have to tell them that I plan on going out the day before so that they can figure out dinner themselves.  I mean, sure, it's a thing that many parents have to do and I get that.  But I'm not a parent.  I get that we all have our roles in the home, but it feels like some have started treating me as the mother figure and at the moment, I don't like that.  I don't really know what to do.  It's really hard to plan things with Boyfriend around this because we never really plan dates.  Date-type situations just happen with us.  Whenever we try to plan a date, it never really works right.

I don't know what to do with all of this.  I'm starting to think that selling stuff online might be my best bet right now, actually.  Things have just begun to get too routine.  It almost feels like there's nothing to live for.

I've managed to hit a lucky spot and am going out with some friends tomorrow.  Hopefully that will help me feel a bit better.  I hope I find a way out of this pitfall soon.  Living on my own was so much easier.

Well, that's all for today.  I'll catch you all later.

Dusk

My uncle looking at us eat some fish that we caught: Ewww, they have heads!!!

My thoughts: Ewww, you have a head!  Even worse!  It's full of ignorance to the point that it's overflowing!  I don't want to hear it!  Get it away!

~~~

Tonight, if he plans to make any such comment although we most likely won't have anything with a head still attached, I plan to point at the salad and say, "Ewww, it's full of heads!"

Uncle at a family gathering, almost every adult has defaulted to speaking Chinese.

Uncle: English, please!

My thoughts: You're damned lucky everyone else here would bother to cater to you. 

He also doesn't like Chinese food, so we have to cook a separate plate of food just for him. 

Uhm, hello?! Chinese family.  You knowingly married into it.  You're the odd one out here, so if anyone needs to conform here, it's you.  Why should we cater to you, huh?  Give me one good reason.  That's right, there isn't one.  Quit acting like a freaking BABY and get OVER yourself!

If you EVER come over to my house and I have kids by that point in time, you'd better damn well be better behaved than them!  If you're not, if you're still going to be a whiny little stink hole, you know what I'm going to say to you?  The exact.  Same.  Words.  That you said to me when I said that I wanted to lose some weight: Oh. Wah.

I will cook a Chinese meal.  I will NOT cook you a separate dish because you're a whiny little prick!  If you complain, I will tell you, "In this household, you eat what is put in front of you, or you don't eat at all because there are people out there who aren't fortunate enough to even HAVE food so readily available for them." 

Then, I will turn to my kids and ask them, "Isn't that right, kids?" and turn back to face you with the most acid-filled smile you have EVER seen IN YOUR LIFE!

So, don't you freaking complain. 

Hey, guys;

Remember that one uncle I have that I don't particularly like?  Well, had dinner with Mom's side of the family and, of course, he was there.  I didn't really talk to him at all besides, "Bye," at the end of everything. 

I was sitting at the table talking to (I think it was) Mom saying how I just knew I'd gain weight this month because of exams and then Christmas right after.  I mean, what with all the food, sleep, and studying, then coming home to MORE FOOD!  He just happened to be at the table getting food at the time (the table is too small for everyone to sit at so we just kind of scatter to wherever we feel) when I was tlaking about this and all he said was, "Oh wah."  If I wasn't across the table from him, at a family dinner, and if he said that to one of my friends, I think I would have decked him.  I mean, GOD!  How insensitive can he be?

My aunt and uncle who live at this house are also sort of strict with the dog, I guess they don't want her to be fat, I don't know.  They don't usually feed the dog scraps or bones from the table.  She was also getting in the way at the time and they were scolding her.  The same uncle, again, says, "This is Canada.  We treat dogs like family here.  Go home."  All I could think was, "Annndddd what is your background, huh?  You aren't native to this place.  Besides, WHAT is "Canadian"?  It's freaking MULTICULTURAL!  That means there are DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES HERE!  There is no ONE thing that makes us all Canadian.  We just live here.  Why don't YOU go home?!" 

He's so damned annoying and good at ruining everything.  I still don't know how my aunt ended up with him.  If my boyfriend were like that, I would have punched him so hard he'd vomit and left him for good.  Luckily for me, and my boyfriend, he's a real good guy.  He's quite alright being on equal terms and he's not a tick about me "being out of the kitchen" as I've seen so much of the Internet being morons about.  This is one of my favourite traits about him.  That, and he's completely okay with having a girlfriend that is pretty aggressive.  I mean, when I'm really frustrated, I need to hit something.  No, I don't hit him, if that's what you're thinking.  I used to be in TKD and I really want to go back because 1.  I am rather out of shape now, and 2.  I need to let my frustrations out. 

Anyway, besides my uncle, the dinner and my family were all fantastic.  I love them all and wish my other aunt and uncle and their kids could have been there.  I miss them so much and I hope they have a fantastic holiday.

Happy holidays to everyone and I wish you all the best!

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

Sorry about not writing much recently.  School and all, you know.  I've also been feeling a tad empty lately.  Not a hungry empty though, more along the lines of emotionally empty.  I wouldn't quite say apathetic though.  It just sort of feels like there's a hole in me and I can't fill it.  It hurts emotionally and it makes me very sad. 

It's been around a month and a half since I last saw Boyfriend for Thanksgiving.  I'll only be able to see him for two to three days before Christmas, then he's flying off to see his family for the Christmas break.  I really hope that none of you think poorly of him for this.  It's been even longer since he's seen his family and I do feel that it's important for him to see them too.  Whenever we're together (in the same city), I feel like I monopolize a lot of his time and I think it's nice that he sees his family.  In fact, I feel like we should have lunch or dinner with his family again or something.  It was fun the last time, so why not do it again?  They're amazing people even if they weren't his immediate family.

Regardless, I'm glad he gets to see his family again.  The week or two of his seeing his family must feel almost like the few days that we get to spend together between weeks to months of separation because of school.  Especially since they are further away.  I'm sure he appreciates what time he has with them every time he gets to see them.  It must be hard being so far from them.  They sound like amazing people and I'd love to actually meet them one day. 

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well.

Until next time,
Dusk

So, today isn't nearly as bad.  The rest of the family is here now.  My uncle's dog, I saw a good number of months ago when I could hold her with one hand.  Now, she's 5 months old and so much bigger, but ever so cute!  She used to look like this:

Not anymore!  I still love her so much though!  She's not that big, but much bigger than I remember.  If you start petting her, she'll just lie down and let you pet her.  I love her ears!  They're so floppy! ^_^  Sometimes she'll try to bite, but it doesn't hurt much.  When she grows a bit more, I'm sure it will though.  She's going to be a BIG dog.  I want to hug her all the time.  She's so soft and quiet. x3

Along with the puppy came my littlest cousins.  They're the cutest things.  Them + puppy = cute-plosion!  Yes, they own this dog.  They're all so much fun to play with. 

My other two cousins showed up and started fishing once they got unpacked.  Went out to take some photos of them and some other stuff.  Got an offer to fish with them and the moment the rod was handed to me, a fish got on the hook.  Unfortunately, it swallowed the hook and bled all over me as I tried to take the hook out (something that never happens because usually when we fish, my sister catches the fish and I just sit there with no luck).  So, my cousin stepped in and got the fish off for me.

We found out that one of our cousins, the same age as him can't watch people fish.  I asked her how she can eat meat and she told me that she can eat it, but she can't watch it get captured.  I don't know how this works considering any meat would have to be captured to be killed and eaten...She also tried to keep the fish that were caught alive by adding more water to the bin.  Not sure how this works.  It kind of died anyway...

Anyway, today isn't too bad.  Could be worse. 

More updates soon!

Dusk