Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

When you're trying to get something done, be it a project for school or work, or you're in a relationship, the simplest and most fundamental way to make sure that everything gets sorted out neatly is through communication.  Talk to your group members, teachers, professors, partner about what needs to get done, what's being done, and by whom because when one party says, "Don't worry about it, I have this covered" but never actually tells you or anyone involved what it is that they are doing or completely disconnects from the group from that point onward without so much as a brief status report so that everyone knows where the other stands, everyone but that party is unaware of the goings on.  They don't know if they should be working on, say, the lone party's part of the project on top of their own because, perhaps, that lone party is not actually pulling their weight, or they could be doing something completely irrelevant.  Alternatively, the lone party could be doing exactly what he/she should be or said they would do, but nobody knows, and so, everyone else takes charge to do the part they believe the lone party is supposed to be doing just in case only to find out in the end that the lone party has everything under control.

A simple bit of communication can save a lot of work and stress for everyone involved.  The lone party may think that everything is fine, but without proper communication with the other members, this one person can cause a great deal of unnecessary work and stress to build up on the rest of the group which is unfair as it could have been easily avoided.  Additionally, the lone party may think that what the other involved parties did was unnecessary and potentially take offense towards the reasoning they had behind it.

Good communication is paradoxically the simplest and most difficult thing to do whether it is between group project members, partners, or immediate family members.  We are afraid that we might offend or insult someone due to a simple misinterpretation in our tone or wording, while it is also through communication that we can try to clear up any such things and forgive one another.  We often feel that the easiest way to not offend someone and to avoid misinterpretation by avoiding proper communication surrounding a particular topic altogether (be it about a project or an issue within a relationship). 

Unfortunately, this is one of our biggest downfalls as human beings as we rely on a communication system that is vague and can be misinterpreted in many different ways.  A single sentence can appear to have multiple meanings when the speaker only intended one.  Where our complex, but well-intentioned languages and feelings fail, most other animals excel at because they don't hold back for fear of insulting.  They tell each other in clear and direct ways what it is they want.  If a wolf, for example, were pestering another, the second would surely growl a warning.  Should the first wolf not heed this warning, he would receive a warning bite telling the him that if he continues, the situation will escalate.  Of  course, it is incredibly anthropocentric to claim that our languages and feelings are more complex than that of any other animal in the world as they do have intricate languages and feelings of their own, but if we were to learn from their example and actually say what we mean and mean what we say, life as a human would be much simpler.  We would not have to skirt around each other's feelings.  In fact,  we would be respecting each other's feelings more as we wouldn't be assuming that everyone is so delicate that even the smallest mention of something that bothers us will offend.

All in all, I think we have much to learn from the other animals around us when it comes to communication.  We should be more straight-forward instead of trying to spare each other's feelings because in doing so, we are actually creating people who are more easily offended by smaller and smaller things.  And finally, as an animal whose world is supposedly built on communication, we really suck at it.

I've never been good at small talk.  It just isn't something I do.

If you try to talk to me, it'll seem like I don't really want to talk.  What I don't want is to go into idle prattle because I don't know how to handle or navigate it.  It's devoid of meaning and I mentally can not grasp how it works or how to continue the conversation from what seems to me to be dead end questions.  I never intend to sound uncaring or unapproachable, I literally just don't know how to turn the little statements or questions into more than just that.  If I'm asked a question with a simple answer, that's normally what I give it.

I do feel bad and I don't always know what to say, but it happens.  I have no intentions of being rude if I've just met you and this is the direction in which our conversation seems to be headed it's just me being uncomfortable.  If you want to start an actual discussion, it's easiest for me if you just jump into it.  Ask me if I've read a book and if I haven't tell me about it.  Tell me what you liked, what you didn't.  I might come up with something similar as well as a suggestion for you to look at in the future and likewise.  Maybe a film or something else that interests you.  For me to take part, I need more to work with than "How are you"s and "what's new?"

I do realise that this may be difficult for the person with whom I am trying to converse as well as it is for myself, but I honestly don't know how to make small talk work.  It's one of society's weird mannerisms that I will never understand and perhaps never be able to get to work in my favour.  Even when I was taking the final test for my driver's licence, I never asked such small questions to try to keep myself calm.  I asked the examiner why he does what he does and why he chose or ended up with it.  It was something that I could dig more into, something that I could get more information from to create more discussion.  In turn, he would be able to ask me what I want to do, am doing, what my motivations are and I could ask him similar inquiries.  Topics like these, I can work with.  If you simply ask me what I'm doing in school and if I want to be a teacher, my answers will be short and sweet.  I get the same questions all the time and I hate them.  I never know what to do or say.  It's awful.

This, I think, is why I'm not the best suited for things like customer service or human resources work.  It's not something I can care enough about to make it sound good.  ESPECIALLY with customer service situations where I will need to run off to retrieve something for a customer because I will repeat the same, "Hi, how are you?  Did you find everything okay?" routine to people I've already droned it out to without realising until after the fact.

I don't know where this puts me in terms of which jobs I'd be good for, but I can tell you that I've done pretty well so far in conversing with my professors and peers about different academic, homework-related, and peer-related topics.  Whether it means I should strive for something like academia or writing in general, I don't know, but I think I might do okay in them given different topics to work with.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is small talk confuses me.  It confounds me.  I don't know what to do and I flounder when people try to approach me with it.  I don't know if I'll ever know what to do with it and I'm sorry to anyone who tries to use it with me.

Hey guys,

I know it seems morbid, but I'm just...confused, for lack of a better term.  Maybe a little curious as well.

You see, I don't understand when people say things like, "She has a sick fascination with death."  I don't understand why this fascination that some people have is "sick," or "disturbing."  Some people are just curious about what comes after.  If anything, I think it's more natural to think of things like death.

Why?  Well, partially because it's always there.  There's no escaping death.  It's a natural part of life.  The only reason I can think people might describe it as "sick" is because it's not something everybody thinks about.  It's not..."normal."  The thing with people is, we don't like to acknowledge death because we're afraid of it.  We don't actually know what happens once we die.  So, we try to prolong our existence as long as we can and just not think about death.

It's sad to say, but that's probably the reason why we are struck dumb by death when it happens to someone we know.  Why it scares us.  Simply because we don't know what happens.

People like to learn about everything.  They like to figure out how things work, how things go.  But, it actually takes the beauty out of a lot of things.  It takes the beauty out of a sunset, or the blooming of a flower, or even just seeing a creature go about doing its thing.

Of course, this also includes death.  There is a strange beauty in it.  Whether people acknowledge it or not, there is a beauty in it despite how frightening it may be.  The idea of leaving this world to find peace.  Religious or not, there is a sort of morbid peace in the whole idea.  The thought of no more pain, no more suffering.  Just empty bliss.

What I think is, although we're afraid of death, if we acknowledge it, it might actually be a bit less frightening.  It won't get rid of the fear completely.  But, I think it's sort of like a roller coaster.  That first massive drop is coming, and you know it.  You're scared, but that's only the fear of anticipation.  You know it's coming and you're scared anyway.  It'll come and pass.  Everything will come and pass.  That's how life works.

Oh, well.  Let me know what you guys think.

Until next time,
Dusk

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I don't fit in.
I'm sorry I don't like what you do.
I'm sorry I don't conform.

I'm sorry that I care about words.
I'm sorry that I care about grammar, punctuation, quotations

I'm sorry that I have thoughts.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are my own.
I'm sorry that you don't agree with them.

I'm sorry that you don't understand.
I'm sorry that you don't like it.
I don't either
Sometimes.

I'm sorry for the things out of my control.
I'm sorry for the things that are.

I'm sorry you don't like me the way I am.
I'm sorry you don't accept it.
I'm sorry I won't change.
I'm sorry that I'm stubborn.

But, most of all
I am sorry
For being me.

Hi, Gerard;

Lately, I've been rather frustrated with a number of people in my life.  A strange thing has been happening though.  Your voice has been stuck in my head and it comes in stronger every time I get angrier.  Your haunting "remember me" echoes in my mind.  I keep thinking it's your song in my head, but I feel like it's more than that when it starts to come in stronger and louder.

I feel like you are trying to tell me something.  I know it's not very likely that you'll see this letter, but I'd really like to know.  What is it that you're trying to tell me, Gerard?  Are you telling me not to let the people bother me and hold me back?  Is that it?  I know a lot of people are going to tell me that.  I feel like there's more you want to tell me than just that. 

I really want to know what's going on.  What is it that you want me to know?  What message are you trying to send me?

Wishing I knew what was going on,
Dusk

I've never wanted to become a teacher.  Never. 

My parents, for some reason can see me becoming one in the future, but I can't.  Mostly because of how they always put teachers down.  They do admit that there are good teachers out there that care about their students and what not.  But, you know what?  I can't talk in front of people, I can't teach well, and I don't want to be one of those people that gets lumped into a generalization so that I can be told that I'm useless.  That I do nothing, and that I complain all the time about not being paid enough.

Maybe I wouldn't be one of those teachers, but who knows?  Either way, I don't want to be one.  The big problem is, a lot of people don't always end up doing what they want to, and I don't even know what I want to do.

If I end up being a teacher, whether I'm looked down on or not, I would want to be a philosophy teacher.  I'd tell the kids that life is pointless.  That, society is pointless.  Getting a job is pointless.  But, most of all, I'd tell them that school is pointless.  It's a big, pointless, brainwashing facility where they make kids think "inside the box."  They don't allow much freedom in thought or exploration.  What is being learned at school is pointless.  I'd only encourage them to come to class to learn how to think.  That's what the kids need.  They need to know how to think critically.  It's true.

They need to be able to recognise that they don't need all this cyclic, pointless work.  People are too focused on material things.  That's the whole reason why society runs the way it does.  They tell you that you want something, that you love it, and finally, that you need it.  But, you don't.  You don't, but they won't let you see it that way.  No.  That's the whole reason for people having jobs.  So, they can have money to buy these things that they don't need.  Even if we did want something, why do we need to pay for it?  Why do we need money?  Now, I'm not a thief, I don't steal.  I do pay for things.  But, I don't see a reason for it.

We pay to get food, when, in the past, we would have been able to get the food ourselves.  We'd be hunting and eating like all the other creatures out there.  We've been sucked into this hyperreality, and there's almost no way out of it unless we can think against it.  Think outside of it.

I'm not encouraging people to be thieves or to go around vandalizing things or skip school and not to bother getting a job no matter how much it sounds like I am.  All that I want, is to have people realise that they might not need what they think they do, what society thinks they do and programmed them to think they do. 

I simply want people to be able to think for themselves instead of having something like the government telling them what to think.

Hi all!

So, today, I talked to my boyfriend about one of his friends whom I've been talking to for a while.  This friend of his told me that at some point in time, my boyfriend went to go see the first "Twilight" movie with some friends of theirs.  Was I ever shocked.  He also told me that throughout the movie, my boyfriend gave it a few snorts and sarcastic remarks.

No, I'm not one of those girls that forced her boyfriend to watch it because I love Edward (I don't).  I am, however, the girlfriend that discovered that he watched this before he watched this one particular movie critic that made him ever so much more snarky about movies.  Boy, was he ever in for it.  Neither of us enjoyed the movie, but I somehow ended up with a copy of it.  So, we put it on, just to see his newer reactions to it.

The movie hadn't started yet, and I wasn't able to skip ahead to the menu to play it.  So, what does Boyfriend do?  He gets all snarky and sarcastic on the trailers!  I was SO entertained!  He ripped on movies that we weren't even going to watch.

Once the movie started, my sister and brother walked in.  There was talk happening over the first five to ten minutes of the movie.  When it finally quieted down, he slowly began to snort and give all sorts of remarks.  He questioned the part where Bella and Edward sat around the piano with no background information.  I don't think I actually realised how little sense that made without having read the book first.  For anyone who hasn't read the book, they wouldn't know that this is the part where Edward plays the lullaby he wrote for Bella.

I apologise to anyone out there who likes this movie, but really, the directing, acting, and staging could have been improved greatly.  But, then again...so could the story itself.

We had to end the movie early since Boyfriend had to go home.  So we'll be finishing it up tomorrow.  You'll probably be hearing more about it. =P

Oh, yeah.  He's really upset that they used Muse for the soundtrack of this movie.  He loves Muse.  I was sad to tell him that this is how I discovered both Muse and Paramore.  But mostly Muse since it's one of his favourite bands.

The ceiling is always high
Always, always, always high
It's just how it was made
That's how it was meant to be

The floor...
The floor is always down...
It sounds sad, but it's the truth
The floor is always down
You can't offer it coffee
You can't offer it coffee because no matter how tired you are
Or how nice you want to be,
The floor is always there for you
But, it is always down.

You can't do anything for it
The floor is always down

The ceiling is always high
The floor is always down
And the walls?
The walls are somewhere in between
Both high and down

It's their escape
They're down
So they get high to get away

The sky's the limit though
The sky is higher than any ceiling
There are low ceilings
They don't get very high
But the sky
The sky is so high
It's so high and it stays that way

It's made that way
That's how it's meant to be

See?  The sky is high.


I apologise for those who can't follow.  There is nothing to follow.  I am just very tired and rambling.  That is what I do when I am tired.  I really need to sleep.  I need to sleep tonight.  I need to sleep well tonight...

Dusk

You know, I wish we didn't have to live in a world where insecurities come from the very things we cannot control.  I mean, everyone makes each other uncomfortable because of where they were born, how they're raised, the way they look, how they talk, all sorts of ridiculous reasons.

What's the point of making someone else feel uncomfortable?  They could do the same to you.  When we get all self conscious, we colour our hair, cake our faces in make-up, change the way we dress.  Why?  If it's not you, why bother?  The worst part is that most people look so much nicer without changing themselves like that and they don't realise it.

Other animals on the earth couldn't care less, and they don't do the weird things that we do.  If they don't care, why should we? 

We are the strangest creatures.  We take the long, unnecessary way to get things like food with this whole money thing...We don't just hunt, eat, and sleep like any other creature.   We work ourselves to death on unneeded things to get food and shelter...why?  Why do we make things unnecessary and complicated for ourselves?

We really are strange animals.

I don't understand our species.

Dusk

Alright, everyone. 

So, I've handed my keys back to the don.  Officially checked out, right?...Nope.  They lost my forms from the beginning of the year.  I need to set up another meeting with the don again to get that done.  But, I am half way there!

I can't wait for this to be done!  Can't wait to get passed these assignments and exams too.  So much stress. @_@

Anyway...it's pretty late here...I just thought I'd give you all a quick update before I sleep.

I can't guarantee that I will have much coming in the near future since exams and assignments are eating my face...figuratively, of course, but still.  Until all that is done, you might not hear much from me for the next few weeks.

Regardless, I hope you all have an awesome time being you!

Dusk

Hey Everyone,

I congratulate everyone that understood that reference.

I thought I'd let you know how my hair turned out yesterday.  So, after a good three hours at the hair dressers with bleach and blue dye in my hair, we learned something.

NOPE!

Here's the story:

First, my dye is very dark. For some reason, the hair dresser was afraid it wouldn't show. But, my hair was bleached first, so I thought, if anything, my hair would turn out be like Josh Ramsay's.  She was afraid it wouldn't show because of how dark it was up against my own hair, which is QUITE dark.  When her husband started rinsing it out, they saw more blue, so she was more relieved.  Then came the drying.  I sat down, and my hair fluttering in the air because of the hair dryer.  I could have sworn it was green.

Next thing I hear from her is, "...now it looks more green..."  She sounded very concerned.  Me?  I was so entertained!  I couldn't be mad at this goof-up.  Inside I was so giddy, quietly laughing away in my head.

When my mom came in to pick me up, the first thing I could say was, "MOM! MY HAIR IS GREEN!" =D  Yeah, I guess the hair dresser thought I was more freaked out, but my mom and I?  We just laughed.  We liked it. 

Turns out they could have done a better job though.  It's a bit blotchy.  By that, I mean, there are spots of the bleached hair showing that isn't green-ish blue.

Oh, well.  I don't mind walking around with this.  I can always change the colour or make it green-ish blue with what's left of this dye.  We'll see how I feel about the colour as time passes. =P

Anyway, that's all there is for this post.

See you around,
Dusk