Some times, I feel insecure.
Some times, I feel inadequate.

Some times, people make me feel insecure.
Some times, people make me feel inadequate.

I've spent five years in university learning who I am, accepting who I am.  Learning what I'm good at, learning to accept it.  I've become more secure in myself because of it, but some times...some times, something seeps through.  A word here.  A comment there.  It's silly, really.  To have spent so long learning about and developing my character, creating my reality, only to let others tear it down.  To become secure in oneself should make it easier to let such things slide off one's back, but it's not so easy.

I am porous like a sponge.

I take in what I see and what I hear.  Some times, I take in things that I shouldn't.

It festers.

It grows like an infection.

It tears me apart from the inside out and I don't know how to handle it.  I crumble and I fall.  My reality--for the moment--is lost.  I don't know who I am, what I'm good at.

I've lost all that I am.

I need to gather my pieces.  Put myself back together.

                                  anew.
                        grow
                    I
             bit,
       by
Bit

I gather myself back up.  I learn.  I strengthen.

A new piece appears in my puzzle, I don't know where it goes yet.  In time, I will learn and it will fit.  It will become a part of my armour.  A weapon I can use to shield myself against those who try to tear me down and to fight back.  I just have to learn where it goes, what it does, how it can help me.

My reality will be whole again.  I will become me.

A greater,
stronger
me.

All righty, everyone, it's certainly been a while, huh?  You see, this past weekend was the weekend of the big move.  We've officially moved all of the things, big and small, from Boyfriend's mom's old apartment into her new space.  Boyfriend and I have slowly been unpacking while his mom is at work.  We are still waiting on a few things to be delivered and installed like the washer, dryer, and refrigerator, but that's not much to worry about at this point.

These last few days have been a doozy.  The night before the big move, we thought we had everything packed as Boyfriend and I were working on packing everything in the old apartment...as you might've guessed, while his mom was at work.  She would give us an assignment each day and each day we would finish up as much as we could.  For some reason, as we worked, she never had us finish a space entirely.  We'd finish most or, at least, half of a room, and she'd send us to work on another room the next day.  By the night before the initial moving date, she was looking through all of the boxes we had packed, still not sealing a single one.  By the evening, there appeared to be only minor bits and pieces left to pack to the point where I wasn't needed.  So, I took to my room and lounged around, that is, until I heard Boyfriend's exasperated exclamations just outside my door.  As it turns out, while I was relaxing and playing Pokémon SoulSilver, his mom had been repeatedly telling him that there was only one thing left to pack, only to realise immediately after, that there was another...for five hours.  I would be exasperated too.  By this point, it was very near midnight and his exclamations concerned me.  So, I went out in hopes that, despite how small the final things to pack were, I would be able to help move it along faster and to lighten his mood.  We were still somewhat jetlagged, so having woken up quite early in the morning and staying awake until midnight, and later still, when he was already exhausted was taking its toll.  We eventually got everything packed and went to bed some time after 1:00AM.

The next day, I woke up to find that, despite all the packing done the night before and having been told that all there is left to pack were the bed sheets we slept on, there were still a variety of knick knacks left to tuck away into boxes.  To my surprise, we somehow managed to pack up everything and have just about all of it delivered to the new apartment before 2:00PM despite some delays with the movers.  Upon returning to the first apartment, though, we discovered that the movers had missed a few things and we would have to find a way to bring them to the new apartment one way or another over the course of a couple of days.  We brought some things back with us on the bus and some in a taxi, but the rest had to be delivered by movers still as they were too large to bring in either bus or taxi.

Now, everything is in the new apartment and Boyfriend and I have been unpacking and shifting things around to make it more of a living space rather than a space full of boxes and undressed mattresses.  We've had to have the air conditioners and lights looked at and/or repaired and are still in the process of waiting for some lights to be delivered and installed, but it's not the worst.  I can deal with not having the few lights we are without as Boyfriend's mom seems to really love these little solar powered lanterns she bought.  What is most difficult to deal with,though, is probably the lack of doors to the bathrooms.  That's right, for the past three days, I have been living without some lights, and completely without bathroom doors...on top of that, sinks and the kitchen faucet have not been ordered and installed yet...the sinks, honestly, are not much of an issue for me right now.  I've adapted fairly well to using the faucets in the showers...which are also without doors or curtains, but the lack of bathroom doors is more difficult for me to deal with as there is always a possibility that someone may walk by or in while you are in the shower and the only space to put your clothes in the most private shower we have, is in plain view of anyone who would be in the bedroom to which that bathroom is in.  It's not so bad if you announce that you are going to shower and for whoever is around to not walk beyond a certain point in the apartment, but there is always this twinge of doubtfulness that makes you feel like someone may come your way despite what you've said.  The paranoia that comes from this is surprising.  You're living with people you trust, and yet, you feel it more difficult to trust when you realise how vulnerable of a situation you are in should someone come by and see you bathing.

I'll be honest, these past few days have been incredibly stressful and the tensions have been running high between the three of us due to sleeplessness and general physical exhaustion from moving houses, but Boyfriend has been wonderful even in the midst of all this.  He knows just what to say and when to say it.  The other day, while I was becoming frustrated trying to figure out what to place where in the kitchen, he came in and told me, "This is nice.  It's like we're moving in together and trying to figure out where to put things."  He gave me an entirely new outlook on our situation and eased the growing tension within me.  He's really wonderful.  Today, we were moving some furniture around in the common living space and it was my turn to realise how nice this feeling was.  We were discussing how we would have arranged the furniture differently from his mom's set-up and how it would work for us.  It's quite a comforting thought, really.  And since we were told one of the air conditioners wasn't working, he and I set up a spare mattress on the floor of the bedroom I'm staying in (there's no way his mom would let us share a bed.  The bed in there is only a twin anyway, we would be too cramped and warm together) and we've begun calling the space "our bedroom".  We're really hoping to be able to move out together some day soon, but with the difficult job economy and the high living expenses, it's hard to say how soon we might be able to do it.  Either way, we are both hoping and trying.  In the mean time, we're enjoying the walks we're taking together to buy food since the kitchen isn't entirely functional yet, and we're really enjoying each other's company now that things have settled down a bit more than pre-moving day.

Once all the dust has settled and things are in place, I will finally be able to tell you more about some of the things I have eaten here.  I've had a few interesting things in the past few days.  I hope I will be able to get to those soon.

Until then, take it easy and stay safe.

Dusk

Hi guys!

I only have a food update for you today as we are still packing things up to move Boyfriend's mom to a new apartment this week.  As a result, not a whole lot of interesting things going on as of late beyond what I'm eating, but that's fine.  Food's always interesting.

So, to start off, for lunch yesterday, Boyfriend and I went out for some black pepper beef and curry.  Standard sounding stuff, but very different from what I get in the west.  Both dishes are much spicier than I am used to having and not in the painful way.  For those of you in the west who may not be aware, in the east, spicy foods are incredibly flavourful on top of the hot spiciness we're used to.  It's really great.  The curry was far smoother than I was expecting and a touch too spicy for me.  I did manage to eat a good portion of it, though, and it was so tasty.

For dinner, we had hainan chicken rice which you can sort of get in the west, though it's not quite the same.  In the west, the chicken sauce is lacking in some sort of taste that it normally has here.  It's not really a taste that I can explain.  It's a subtle difference, yet it makes all the difference in the world.  The same for the rice that goes into this dish.  I'm not sure what goes into it, but it has a wonderful flavour in it that would have made me enjoy rice much more as a child (I was notorious for not liking rice).  In the west, this dish is served with plain white rice which--by comparison--is fine, but like the chicken sauce, it is lacking.  You might not think that something so small would be such a big deal, but it is.  This is not to say that the western version of it is bad, it's good in its own right, it just isn't the same.  As Boyfriend put it, it's fine, but it should have a name of its own as it very much is not the same.  A little fun fact for you all, Singapore is actually famous for this dish, so if you get a chance to come this way, definitely look for a local place to have it!

Today, during a break in packing, Boyfriend and I went out and got some ramen for lunch.  Doesn't sound interesting enough for you?  Well, let me tell you that it's not like any of that instant stuff that you get at the super market...well, maybe just a little bit like it depending on what you get.  Boyfriend's dish was more similar to the super market stuff, but definitely nicer still.  And, surprise, surprise!  Ramen isn't curly as you might think due to the instant super market ramen.  It's pretty straight, and honestly, much tastier.  What the difference is in the making of the two to make them taste so different, I may never know, but the texture and taste are both much nicer.

I got a curry pork ramen which we both thought might be too spicy for me as I'm not particularly good with spicy foods and...well, I AM in Singapore.  Luckily for me, it wasn't all that spicy after all.  It was spicy enough to be enjoyable, but it wasn't spicy enough to warrant a gulp of cold water between bites.  Unluckily for me, my body decided that I needed to cough just as I was swallowing some of the curry soup and, believe me when I tell you, curry soup travelling up your nasal passage is NOT a nice feeling.  I'm just glad that the feeling of curry soup up my nose finally passed so I could enjoy the rest of my ramen and my strawberry soda because it really would have been a shame to waste it.

On a side note, I don't know how people can eat hot things in such a hot country, but hey, each to their own.  Maybe I'll just get used to it in this month and a bit that I'm staying.  We'll see.  After all, I, apparently, already handle the sunlight better than a number of the locals.

Finally, I just thought I'd share a picture of my ramen with you all.  Yes, it really does look like the stuff on animes, and it's great.  You really should try the real deal if you get the opportunity.  You won't regret it.

Anyway, that's all I have for you now.

Until next time,

Dusk

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't updated you on my trip until now, but since we're still pretty early into it, I thought it shouldn't be too bad.

So, today is the morning of my third day in Singapore.  I arrived in the early morning of the first day, so I've only really been here for two nights.  I would say that the jet lag is bad since I did just go through a 12-hour time change, but in all honesty, I think I did pretty well.  It's probably because I couldn't sleep any longer than an hour at a time on the plane on top of the fact that I absolutely refused to sleep until the later part of the day after we landed.  I ended up taking a few hours' nap between 4:00-7:00PM which definitely went against my attempt at sullying the jet lag, but surprisingly, despite waking up at around 3:00AM the next morning, it didn't affect me much.  I definitely blame Boyfriend for the nap though.  When he's sleepy, he gives off an entirely sleepy vibe that spreads to me if I'm close by and I end up dozing off too.  Aside from that, I'm gradually waking up at more normal hours (around 5:00-5:30AM) and sleeping at more normal hours (around 10:00PM).

In terms of culture shock, I can't say that's too bad either.  There are some little things that are done differently around here that I'm not used to like hanging all of the laundry up to dry instead of select items and boiling the tap water before drinking it instead of drinking it straight from the tap, but it's not too bad.  I think my biggest shock, if any, is how much I'm hearing Mandarin being used around here by comparison to home.  I hear some at home, but more often than not, I hear Cantonese and English.  When I'm walking around with Boyfriend, I do feel a touch out of my element, but it was definitely to be expected.  I think the one thing that surprises, and entertains, me the most is the fact that the locals here stay out of the sunlight as much as humanly possibly and only walk through it when necessary.  On my first day here, Boyfriend had already reverted back to his habits from when he lived here and walked only in the shade while I walked in the sun.  It takes a little getting used to, but the sun actually feels quite nice on my skin despite how hot it is out.  So far, we've had weather averaging at around 30 degrees Celsius, and boy, did we ever feel that yesterday.  I think we felt it more yesterday because it might have been more humid while the first day wasn't quite as much, though definitely more humid and hot than I'm used to.

Today, a friend I met through Boyfriend is going to come by to help us pack and hang out a bit.  They haven't seen each other in...I'm going to say at least 5 years as that was the last time Boyfriend was back here.  I think it'll be pretty interesting meeting him for the first time, in person anyway.  I've talked to him plenty of times online prior to now (since my first year of university, actually) and we have had some conversations over Skype video chats, so I have an idea of what to expect.  He does occasionally get a touch unpredictable, but that's cool.  Keeps things interesting.

I hope we get this packing done soon, it sure does make things feel much hotter around here.  Plus, I want to wander around more and see what Boyfriend grew up with.  I did come for an adventure after all.

Well, that's all I have for you today, but I'll be back again soon.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi everyone,

So, in the time between finishing school and going to Singapore, I've been pretty busy with getting the house ready to be put on market and moving back in with my parents.  All of this is giving me a really weird feeling.  I'm excited and nervous to be going on this trip, but I'm also quite sad about leaving and selling the house.  I've lived in it for the past four years and, honestly, despite the spiders, I really love it.  It's a small little wartime house that's actually the perfect size for one to three people.  I can clean the entire house within two hours and it's walking distance from everything I need.  It is small and calm and has some interesting colours.  Whoever had the house before me really liked their earth tones and, for that house, it's great.  If anything, it added to the calmness, that is, if you're one of those who's okay with lime green.  I don't mind it, myself.

Even the neighbourhood is calm and the kids actually go outside and play together.  It's nice seeing them knock on each other's doors to come out to play.  It's not really something you see anymore because many tend to play online together and talk through Skype more now, I find.

Everything about where I was situated for school between my second and fifth years is great.  If you had asked me in my earlier years of university, I never would have admitted it, but secretly, I did enjoy having a place to call my own away from home.  To be on my own has been a great experience and I really wish it's one I could keep at right now, but I just don't have the resources to do that at the moment.  If I really could, though, I think I'd actually keep that little wartime house.  It's done me well.  My dad told me that if I were to stay in the little city, we would look for a better house, but I don't think I'd stand for that.  Not after everything this sweet little house and I have gone through.  Sure, it has its faults, but who and what doesn't?  Besides, it's very...Brantford.  It has a...stitched together sort of feeling.  When you walk through the house, you can see which parts were added on later or modified, maybe even repainted.  Not like the cookie cutter houses you get now that are all perfect and two dimensional.  No.  This house has character.  It has spice.  It has life.  It's seen things that I haven't, that my parents haven't, and who knows?  Maybe it's even seen things that my grandparents haven't.  I guess it's true what they say: If these walls could talk, they would have so much to say.  To hear the stories and experiences from that house and all it's been through would be amazing.

I'm really going to miss it.  The house.  The city.  The people.  Now, I just hope that whoever lives in the house next will love it the same way I did.

À bientôt, Brantford. Je t'aime.
Dusk

Hi everyone,

This will sound a touch more formal than many of my other posts because of the subject matter, but no worries, I will most likely be taking on this voice only when I am doing book reviews as it is what I am used to for these sort of topics.  Beyond that, you can definitely be expecting my more casual, often sarcastic, voice in my other posts.

So recently, I have finished this novel which is about a mother, named Elise, who just lost her son in a car accident and documents her life in the months that follow in a stream of consciousness writing style.  I thought that Edeet's choice in writing style is fantastic because it really lets the reader get into Elise's mind.  Strange and fragmented as it may be, the reader is still able to easily follow her train of thought which allows for a simple integration of her past before her son's death and before her marriage to Neil, her son's father.  This, of course, turns out to be vital information later on as is revealed in her therapy sessions and in the events that lead her to her road of recovery.

Although the reader does not spend a lifetime growing up with Elise and her son, Edeet does write him and Elise's perceptions of him well which gives the reader the sense of how heavy and poignant Elise's depression is set in.  It is easy for the reader to understand Elise's depression and her thought processes from first losing her son to the end of the book as the reader gains a fascinating insight as to how she works and the reader is able to track her slow journey towards recovery.  Edeet is sure to intersperse significant fond and painful memories of Elise's son within her narrative so as to not depict their relationship as unrealistically perfect allowing the reader to identify with her more whether the reader has been a parent or not.

Of course, at this point, you are probably wondering how these details tie in with the book's title. At the beginning of the novel, Elise and her son adopted a cat whom they later named Persephone, Pursie for short.  This is an adorable moment in the brief time the reader spends with the son while he is alive that I find incredibly touching since it is so telling of his genuine caring personality and love for animals.  It is because of her son's love of Pursie that Elise forces herself to stay alive to care for her instead of killing herself to join her son as she wants to do throughout the novel.  As a result of staying alive and having to function to keep Pursie fed and healthy, Elise is able to make her eventual journey towards recovery.

Now, although I've given plenty of praise to the book, you need to keep in mind that I am not a mother, and so, have not lost a child.  This means that as much as I can try to empathise with Elise, at this point in time, I can not do so fully.  As sad as I can be for her, I can never compare my feelings to hers, even if I had lost a child, because everyone handles grief and depression differently.  So, this novel did not have a huge impact on me emotionally.  It did remind me to be appreciative of who I have in my life because life is short and can end extremely unexpectedly, some times for no reason whatsoever.  This is nothing new to me as I am the type of person who does try to live in the moment as I do occasionally contemplate the mortality of myself and loved ones, morbid though this may sound.  Overall, this book did not have a huge impact on me and my perspectives, but I did find it to be a good, engaging read that kept me interested in what Elise would do next and generally pleased as I saw her progress on her way to begin her recovery.

Hi guys,

So, I've been in the house that I stay at for school for about a week now with Boyfriend and Dad to fix it up a bit before we sell it and can I just say that this has been an incredibly tough thing to deal with?  Sure, I'm done school, I'm what you call a "grown-up" now, but I'm not sure I want to be.  I love learning and as you might have seen in a previous post, I've learned to love this city.  Well, in addition to loving the city, I've also learned to love this house.  It has its fair share of spiders, which, let's just say involves using the vacuum cleaner loads, but aside from that it's been good.  It's held up for more years than I know (it's a great little wartime house with a few add-ons over the years) and surely for many years to come.  I just wish we didn't have to sell it.  Part of me wants to stay here and keep the house, but another part of me knows that to stay here means giving up on a few things that I really enjoy back at home like the company of my friends and food.  I know that I can make more friends and find a job here, but it's just not entirely the life for me.  I love the small town feel over the hustle and bustle of big city life, but it doesn't have the variety that I need.  Here, I have a good number of fast food options, but all are basically the same.  The same goes for the grocery stores, there are a good few with some variety in foods, but they're mostly catering towards the Caucasian demographic because that's mostly what we have here.  At home, there are more food choices in the grocery stores and the restaurants, which comes with it the different price ranges.  Here, I have discovered select places to go for decent food prices in terms of groceries, but only for a few things.  At home, because there are Chinese supermarkets as well as the more Caucasian geared grocery stores, I can get many of the same things for a much lower price.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've really learned to love this city and this house and I'm really sad to leave, but in the long run, it doesn't quite have everything I'm looking for.  I know I'm in a good spot and I truly am lucky to even be able to afford living away from home and gaining this sort of experience, but everything has to end and continue on eventually.  I want to visit again when I can to meet with my professors and catch up, but it just won't feel the same checking into a little motel instead of coming to this house.  We've been through a lot together and in its own way, it has been quite the friend to me.  I'm going to miss it here.  Knowing that although I will be able to drive by the house to see how it's holding up, but I can't come in is somewhat heart-wrenching.  And to even consider how much the next owners might change it, even just a little, makes me afraid to even drive by because like my profs, I want to remember it for how it is.  For what I believe its essence to be.  So, also like my profs, I have not taken a picture of it.  Not of the exterior anyway.  I took a few pictures of the interior prior to the renovations.  I might still consider taking some pictures of the exterior, but we'll see.  A picture just won't be able to capture this house for what it really is and that's what I want to remember.  My profs, on the other hand, I have taken no images of interior or exterior (haha, I'm so funny--not really).  I had considered briefly, but either in class or not, it didn't feel right.  It would either feel too posed or like it still wouldn't capture the people for who they are.  I would never be able to capture their liveliness, their charm, or the way they captivate the students with their excitement over the topics being discussed.

A lot of things and people have changed my perceptions of this city and this house tremendously in the years I've been here.  I feel like living here and meeting the people I have have really helped me to grow up and learn about who I am and how I've changed over the years.  I know that moving forward is my only option, but to continue living here in this somewhat relaxed environment would be nice.  The only problem is that I know that there is so much more exploring for me to do out there and within myself.

I know that this, and a few of my previous posts, have been a little blue because of my current state of mind, but what can I say?  That's just how things are right now.  I have entered my so-called "blue period" in which I will be discovering, even more so, who I am, where I should go, and what I want to be.  Things will go back to normal with the odd rant or sarcastic post here and there soon as well as some book reviews, so hang in there and thanks for reading.

Dusk