Hey guys,

Okay, the title is a bit heavy.  You're going to understand why in a second.

Now, before I start, I almost wish I could tell you that I'm mixed race or something like that, but I'm not.  It would make it so much easier, to be honest.  If anything, if feels almost like my mind is mixed.

You see, I'm Chinese.  Full Chinese.  But I was born and raised in Canada.  One of the two "Hong Kong"s of Canada, even.  So, you would probably immediately figure that I would know how to speak, understand, and maybe read a little Chinese. Problem is: I don't.  Sure, I went to Chinese school as a kid, but not nearly as long as some others.  Though, I'm not entirely sure how far Chinese classes go.  I may have gotten most of the years in, if I'm lucky.  Even if I did, it still probably wouldn't have done much because of what I'm about to tell you next.

My dad is also full Chinese and was born and raised in Canada.  For some reason, though, his parents also spoke to him in English.  So, somehow, knows less Chinese than I do.  When I was younger, I had more exposure to the Chinese language.  My maternal grandmother only knew how to speak Chinese, my babysitter only knew how to speak Chinese, my mom, who is an immigrant, even spoke more Chinese and watched Chinese dramas then.  But for some reason, fast forward into my high school and university years, my dad decides that he doesn't like the Chinese shows she watches and complained about them all the time to the point where my mom actually stopped watching them.  My grandmother passed away, and my babysitter went back to live with her daughter.  My general exposure to the language was almost entirely gone.  I still have people here and there who will speak to me in Chinese, but not nearly as much as before.  I don't hear the language around me as much.  When my brother was born, for some reason, my mom spoke to him in English more because "he didn't understand", but given enough time, he would have just as I did.

So, here I am in my twenties.  I look Chinese, but I can only speak and understand a little.  I can't read or write enough to get a full sentence.  And I'm terrified that when I'm older, my mom will revert back to speaking Chinese, and I won't be able to communicate effectively with her.  People talk to me in Chinese in either Mandarin or Cantonese because they see my face and immediately think that I would understand.  And, in my mind, I feel like I should.  Cantonese anyway.  But I don't and I hate it.  I feel like I'm living with two cultures fighting inside of me, and I suppose I am.  I excelled in my English classes and graduated university with a Bachelor's of Arts in Honours English.  Don't get me wrong.  I love it and I'm incredibly proud of that.  But many other Chinese students have trouble with English classes and actually have pretty good communication in Chinese.  I feel like, at this point in my life, I should be bilingual but I'm not.  It's like I put on a face that says one thing when really I'm another.  But, I don't...it's just...my face.

The worst part of it all is that when I try to learn Chinese by watching the televisions series, I tend to gravitate more towards English shows simply because they're easier to understand.  It's so frustrating.

I wish I could have brought something lighter to the blog today, but this was just on my mind and needed to get out.  Hopefully, the next post will be easier.

Dusk

Hey guys!

Back in university, we learned about how some of what we now know to be novels, like Oliver Twist, were actually parts of serials where only a part of the story would be printed and released to the public at a time.  Due to this, readers would have to wait in anticipation between each of the installments.

I was reminded of this yesterday when I was just browsing through Google Play and came across a free app called Serial Reader.  What this app does is break up a piece of classic literature into roughly 20 minutes of reading per day.  Of course, the more books you have going at once, the more reading time you would have per day.  The app also allows you to choose when you want the next installment to come in each day.  For example, I'm currently reading The Last Man by Mary Shelley and Dracula by none other than Bram Stoker himself and, right now, I have the app set to download the next installment of whatever I'm reading at 9:00AM every day.  If I want to download them earlier or later, I can just change the time it's been set to and bam!  It's done!

Of course, in the Victorian era, it wouldn't have been so simple.  Then, they had to wait for either weekly or even monthly installments to come in.  The reason they did this was mostly to bring the price of printing literature down since books were quite expensive back then.  So, we're pretty lucky now.

If you want to read beyond the installment you were given on the app because maybe you had more spare time that particular day, or maybe you're actually using this app for school and want to make highlights and notes on the text directly through the app, you would have to pay for Serial Reader Premium.  Just to clarify, this is in no way intended to be an advertisement for the app.  I was not sponsored by anyone to write this.  I just think that this is a very interesting and clever way to read and encourage people to read more classic literature.  I, in fact, did not pay for Serial Reader Premium, myself.  I am running entirely on the free version of the app and loving it so far.

Now, I'm not sure if this app was meant to make the classics more easily digestible or if it was to encourage more reading overall, even if it is just for 20 minutes per day for some, but all I can say is that I'm enjoying it.  It seems to be working for me as I have fallen into quite the reading slump and it seems to have me excited about reading again.  Something about only getting small doses of literature a day seems to be pulling me out of my rut.  I also wish that I knew about it earlier especially if it existed while I was still in university studying these books.  But the past is the past.  I own quite a number of classics now due to my studies and I can't really complain about that at all.

I hope those of you who decide to try this app out enjoy it.  Let me know what you think!

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

"You're not enough
Never enough"
That's what they tell me.

You aren't trying enough.
You aren't working hard enough.
You need to work your way up.

It's not that simple.
I can try
But if they won't let me,
There's no moving up.

I have to dig
and pick
and scrounge
to find something,
to do something that will help me
Move on.

They won't let me let go.
They won't let go.
They keep pushing
Pushing towards something that
I
Don't
Want.

They won't listen
because they think that I'm still
Not enough.

They think that what I'm doing
What I want is
Not enough.

What I want is different.
That doesn't mean that
I think
that it's not enough.

I think it is.
I want it.
But for them,
I'll never be
Enough.

This is post is going to seem quite contrary to a number of posts between the first of this series and this one, but I need to ask you all to remember that this next step is not exactly the easiest to do and something that I try to remind myself of often.  It's difficult to remember sometimes and easier to default to what is expected of you from everyone else, but it's well worth trying.

So, you've established the fact that your life, as well as everyone else's around you, has no meaning.  It sounds depressing, but believe me, it's not and you're going to see why.

You see, although it sounds bleak, it's actually an open door which allows you to stop caring about what everyone thinks and expects of you because what they want for you may often be extremely different from what YOU want for yourself.  Think about it: our lives are finite.  If we lived forever, we would NEVER do what we always wanted to do.  The reason for that is because we would have all the time in the world to do these things and continually put it off.  But by having a definite end point by which we can no longer do or experience the things we want to, we have a natural due date to work with. 

So, we should stop doing or studying what makes us miserable because it's not stimulating any interest.  Do what you want to do, study what you want to study, and work towards something you want.  If you want to become a veterinarian, go study the sciences in high school, go into post secondary and work your butt off for that degree, and get into vet school.  If it's hard, keep trying.  Keep working.

Now, this next bit might sound a bit defeatist, but you have to stay realistic and remember that everyone has their limits too.  Not everyone can do absolutely anything they put their minds to because their minds may not be made to work that way.  I try to understand math, but no matter how much I tried, I only barely passed my Advanced Functions course in high school.  You can still do what you want to a degree, but even with all this freedom with which you now find yourself, you do have to remember to keep it real and don't lose sight of your morals and abilities along the way.

Next up: Dealing With Your Existential Angst

Until then,
Dusk

Hey guys,

Things have been a little tough lately.  Not much has changed since my last update, but honestly, the job search hasn't been promising and it doesn't help that what I want to do involves working from home; something that my parents aren't 100% approving of.  I'd like to earn money by writing and having hours of my own rather than being a cashier, clerk, or anything that involves people's food, but my parents don't seem to think that's a good idea because they're worried it won't get much money.  The thing is, I'm not looking for a lot of money.  I'm just looking for enough to live.  Enough to move out.  The problem with this is that writing would involve more time working with less immediate pay than other jobs might.

It's tough, but for now, I just wish my parents would be more supportive of it.  My mom sees it as more of a side project, which I understand, but I really wish she would let me give it a chance.  Both of my parents only see two prospects with the credentials I have from school: writing and teaching.  I never want to teach.  I hate being in front of people and I don't feel like I can teach.  I have no desire to go into school to learn to teach people young or old, yet my parents will not let go of this idea.  They are always pushing me to teach because I like being with kids, but there is so much more to teaching than that.  I would also have to deal with creating, giving, explaining, and grading assignments as well as the parents.  I know some parents can be great, but I also know that there are frighteningly impossible parents to get through.

Writing, on the other hand, is something I've always enjoyed and used as a coping method.  It'd be nice to be able to make a living on something I love to do.  I know it will involve a lot of work, but I have been told that people in the arts often have to work harder at the beginning and have more money in the long run than people in, say, the trades.  I realise that I have no statistical sources to back this up, but I have been told this by a professor I've had.  Plus, just the fact that I could live comfortably by doing something I enjoy is promising enough for me.  On top of that, I'd like to be able to make some money by maybe selling soaps online and maybe eventually branching out to other products.  But, again, only viewed as a side project. 

Things are hard right now, but I am looking for some freelance writing jobs and I am trying to write something at the moment that I've planned out for a while now.  I hope it comes out well.  I'll definitely keep you all posted on that.

Anyway, I hope things are better for you lot.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

So, things have been really slow for me lately.  It's been quite difficult finding a job, and moreso, a job that won't leave me completely broken down in anxiety.  I was really lucky last summer in finding a job that allowed me to work steady, consistent hours instead of shifts, but the more I look at how things are right now, it seems that might not be possible to do.  I don't really know how to deal with this right now besides continuing to search. 

The only solution I've come up with is potentially selling stuff online, but I'll have to get money to get started.  My problem with this is that because I've moved back in with my parents, they'll have something to say about everything.  So far, my mom's comment on this is, "Isn't that more of a side thing, though?"  Thing is, it's all I have right now, so I may as well start.  It's better than the whole lot of nothing I've been getting.  My dad was pretty into the idea earlier in the year, but I'm not sure where he stands on it now.  Boyfriend is quite supportive of it, though.  I mean, it is quite actually taking matters into my own hands and finding a way to make money on my own outside of relying on other people to respond to my inquiries.  Plus, it'll keep me busy and mean that I could potentially move out sooner if it picks up well.

Job hunting aside, I've been routinely working myself around making dinner for my family which they seem to have fallen into the habit of expecting.  It's not the worst thing in the world, I know, but it almost feels like they don't appreciate my doing it anymore.  I mean, I do appreciate having food and having had my parents be able to provide that for me throughout my life, but something doesn't feel right.  It feels like I've fallen into a rut that I can't get out of.  Boyfriend's been a great help in terms of in the kitchen, but we've never had to work ourselves around my family to that extent before.  I have to tell them that I plan on going out the day before so that they can figure out dinner themselves.  I mean, sure, it's a thing that many parents have to do and I get that.  But I'm not a parent.  I get that we all have our roles in the home, but it feels like some have started treating me as the mother figure and at the moment, I don't like that.  I don't really know what to do.  It's really hard to plan things with Boyfriend around this because we never really plan dates.  Date-type situations just happen with us.  Whenever we try to plan a date, it never really works right.

I don't know what to do with all of this.  I'm starting to think that selling stuff online might be my best bet right now, actually.  Things have just begun to get too routine.  It almost feels like there's nothing to live for.

I've managed to hit a lucky spot and am going out with some friends tomorrow.  Hopefully that will help me feel a bit better.  I hope I find a way out of this pitfall soon.  Living on my own was so much easier.

Well, that's all for today.  I'll catch you all later.

Dusk