Hi guys,

So, I've been in the house that I stay at for school for about a week now with Boyfriend and Dad to fix it up a bit before we sell it and can I just say that this has been an incredibly tough thing to deal with?  Sure, I'm done school, I'm what you call a "grown-up" now, but I'm not sure I want to be.  I love learning and as you might have seen in a previous post, I've learned to love this city.  Well, in addition to loving the city, I've also learned to love this house.  It has its fair share of spiders, which, let's just say involves using the vacuum cleaner loads, but aside from that it's been good.  It's held up for more years than I know (it's a great little wartime house with a few add-ons over the years) and surely for many years to come.  I just wish we didn't have to sell it.  Part of me wants to stay here and keep the house, but another part of me knows that to stay here means giving up on a few things that I really enjoy back at home like the company of my friends and food.  I know that I can make more friends and find a job here, but it's just not entirely the life for me.  I love the small town feel over the hustle and bustle of big city life, but it doesn't have the variety that I need.  Here, I have a good number of fast food options, but all are basically the same.  The same goes for the grocery stores, there are a good few with some variety in foods, but they're mostly catering towards the Caucasian demographic because that's mostly what we have here.  At home, there are more food choices in the grocery stores and the restaurants, which comes with it the different price ranges.  Here, I have discovered select places to go for decent food prices in terms of groceries, but only for a few things.  At home, because there are Chinese supermarkets as well as the more Caucasian geared grocery stores, I can get many of the same things for a much lower price.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've really learned to love this city and this house and I'm really sad to leave, but in the long run, it doesn't quite have everything I'm looking for.  I know I'm in a good spot and I truly am lucky to even be able to afford living away from home and gaining this sort of experience, but everything has to end and continue on eventually.  I want to visit again when I can to meet with my professors and catch up, but it just won't feel the same checking into a little motel instead of coming to this house.  We've been through a lot together and in its own way, it has been quite the friend to me.  I'm going to miss it here.  Knowing that although I will be able to drive by the house to see how it's holding up, but I can't come in is somewhat heart-wrenching.  And to even consider how much the next owners might change it, even just a little, makes me afraid to even drive by because like my profs, I want to remember it for how it is.  For what I believe its essence to be.  So, also like my profs, I have not taken a picture of it.  Not of the exterior anyway.  I took a few pictures of the interior prior to the renovations.  I might still consider taking some pictures of the exterior, but we'll see.  A picture just won't be able to capture this house for what it really is and that's what I want to remember.  My profs, on the other hand, I have taken no images of interior or exterior (haha, I'm so funny--not really).  I had considered briefly, but either in class or not, it didn't feel right.  It would either feel too posed or like it still wouldn't capture the people for who they are.  I would never be able to capture their liveliness, their charm, or the way they captivate the students with their excitement over the topics being discussed.

A lot of things and people have changed my perceptions of this city and this house tremendously in the years I've been here.  I feel like living here and meeting the people I have have really helped me to grow up and learn about who I am and how I've changed over the years.  I know that moving forward is my only option, but to continue living here in this somewhat relaxed environment would be nice.  The only problem is that I know that there is so much more exploring for me to do out there and within myself.

I know that this, and a few of my previous posts, have been a little blue because of my current state of mind, but what can I say?  That's just how things are right now.  I have entered my so-called "blue period" in which I will be discovering, even more so, who I am, where I should go, and what I want to be.  Things will go back to normal with the odd rant or sarcastic post here and there soon as well as some book reviews, so hang in there and thanks for reading.

Dusk

Hi guys,

So, those who have stuck around might have noticed some slight changes recently if you are looking for old posts.  In some cases, they may have been touched up slightly for grammatical or punctuation errors, and some have gone altogether.  What's going on is that I'm going to try to revamp this blog to make it a bit more organised so that you lot can navigate it easier.

Additionally, I think I'm going to try something new and start posting book reviews.  There will probably be two reviews for each book: one with spoilers and one without so that you can see what I thought of the book generally as well as more in depth.  These will definitely be marked under the labels so that you can find what you want without spoiling something for yourself.  They will most likely be labelled as "Book Review with Spoilers" and "Spoiler-free Book Reviews", but more on that later.

And not to worry about all this reworking, you will still get some personal updates from me outside of these little series that I'm doing so if something crazy happens, you won't miss a thing.

Hope everything's fine and dandy.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi guys,

It's time for another personal post.

Late tonight, my sister, my mom, and myself were all talking and we happened upon our plans for the weekend which involve a get together with some family for a cousin's birthday.  In talking about it, my mom mentioned who was going and how my aunt (the middle sister out of three, my mom being the eldest) would not be there.  I told her that it was a shame because I do genuinely like this family although a good portion of the rest of the family doesn't seem to understand them or really try, I find.  When I voiced my disappointment and told her how I actually quite enjoy the company of my younger cousin in the family--we'll call her Stevie--she said, "you do?" in complete disbelief and my sister laughed at my mother's response.  The thing is, some in this family do not immediately come across as the most personable people to many, but once you talk to them and hang out with them enough, they are incredibly pleasant to be around and Stevie is no exception.

You see, there was a point in time where my mom and her siblings thought it would be a good idea to rent a large cottage for a week so that we could all spend some time together and actually start being more of a family.  One of my cousins and I were excited, but also apprehensive since it was a full week and there was definitely a chance that we could quickly grow sick of each other.  Luckily, that didn't happen.  At least, we weren't sick of everyone present (this is the side of the family that one uncle I don't like is on).  The idea of this week-long cottage trip was to force us all to act more like a family since we don't all live that close together and only see everyone once or twice a year.  I don't know if it worked well for anyone else, but I found that it brought me and this one sister's family closer together.  I talked more with my cousins--one of which I already talk to more often than all others--as well as my aunt and uncle.  This is where I learned that, although strict and somewhat temperamental, my aunt is pretty cool and my uncle is actually really interesting.  But what I found most important and most interesting was that Stevie opened up to me.  We started talking more and after a big downpour, she called me to come outside because she and her older brother--Ashton, we'll call him--were catching frogs and she wanted me to join them.  At this point in time, it has been years since I felt this close to them again.  We used to play a lot when we were younger, but as they years went on, she started to distance herself from my siblings and myself to the point where she sort of shut everyone out, it felt like.  Having her open up again was fantastic.  I loved it.  Unfortunately, the week just wasn't enough to get her to open up anymore, so after we parted at week's end, we didn't see each other again for at least half a year resulting in her distancing herself again.  On top of this, family get-togethers are, at best, biannual making it extremely difficult for us to make the same connection we had at the cottage.  Since then, I've been hoping that she'd open up again, but it doesn't look like it will happen.  After the second cottage trip two years ago, my family decided that we won't be doing it again.

Now, if my family had made the effort and tried to connect with my aunt and Stevie the way I had, I think they would change their minds about them, but I often feel like our mindsets are just too different and that they would never try.  As pessimistic as this sounds, I think, unfortunately, that this is probably the most realistic chain of events simply because of how my family seems to work.  Don't get me wrong, I do like a lot of my family on my mom's side, but their attitude towards certain people really turn me off because they never really give them a chance.  It really feels like the popular kids judging and excluding the less popular.  But don't think that I'm trying to hold myself up above them as some sort of saint for hanging out with whom I can only describe, in this scenario, as the underdog because that's not what I'm trying to do.  I have my faults too and I'll admit that I'll do this also with different kinds of people.  It's something we all do.  As human beings, we can not help it.  I'm just drawn to this particular cousin because I think the two of us might have more in common than we think.  It's just a matter of reconnecting and finding out what these things are.  I just wish the rest of my family would give her a chance because her separating herself from everyone else is not an act of believed superiority at all.  If anything, it's more like the family is excluding her because they don't understand her which really sucks.  It feels like she really needs a friend at these gatherings and I really want to be it because she is incredibly cool, but no one else sees that because she's different from them.  In many ways, I guess I am too and that's why I like her.  I just wish it were easier to be inclusive of everyone at the same time, but everyone at these gatherings are just so different that it's impossible.  One literally must go from group to group, just like in school.  The only problem is that moving through the crowd at these gatherings is much less fluid than it was for me in school.  I can only hope that I learn to do it at the gatherings soon because I really want to be there for Stevie.

I guess we'll just have to see how this weekend goes.  I really wish they could make it.  Next time, I suppose.

That's all I have for tonight.  I just needed a good rant.

Hope you all are doing well.

I'll see you in my next post,
Dusk

Brantford, I'll be honest, I was pretty hard on you in the past. I chose you because you were a small city where I would feel comfortable. But, for some reason, I quickly began to feel like you were a grimy and unappealing place to be. I just wanted to say that I was wrong.

Truly, I've learned to appreciate you again for how small you are and how, even though you do still have some less appealing aspects to you, I've learned to acknowledge that every place and every person does. If anything, it adds to your charm. It gives you another dimension. You aren't merely a happy little borough, nor are you a gross, run down city with lost potential. You have life in you. Maybe not the life people expected, but life and that's important. In a way, I guess that's how we're sort of similar. Some times underestimated, some times given expectations that we can't meet, but we have a life of our own. A life with potential that only we can see and realise because that's who and what we are.

You're a strong little city and even though you didn't become the capital like once expected, you are still a great place to be. I've seen you in good weather and in bad and you hold up well. Similarly, while being here, I've experienced my own good and bad weather and I've learned to deal with it too. I want to thank you for the experiences you've given me. I'm really going to miss you and I hope I can visit relatively often. I've made friends and memories here that I'll never forget. I just wish I could come back to the same house; the sweet, dinky little house I never thought I'd be able to call "home", but have also learned to love.

I hope things go well in my absence and I hope that we can meet again soon.

You will be missed.

Hey all,

So, I'll be graduating university this year and I have no idea what I want to do post-grad in terms of a job, but I have nothing in line yet.  Not in terms of something being in my field, anyway.  But before that starts, I'm going to be flying half way around the world to meet a friend and to explore.

You see, I've never been outside of my time zone before and even within my time zone, I haven't really gone on any adventures without my family.  So, this summer, I'll be embarking on a journey with Boyfriend and learning about the places he's seen and the things he's done before we met.  This is probably the coolest part about it for me.  Why?  Well, we officially met through my high school friends who took him in as one of our own when he was the new kid in school.  So, he already knows just about all of my friends and family, as well as what I do, but I have yet to know what life was like for him before meeting me.  And believe me, the curiosity is there.  As a result, I'm going to be flying half way around the world to explore other places and, perhaps, learn more about myself in the process.  And I'm going to be taking you guys with me.  You'll be hearing about what I'm up to and what I've learned; it'll be great.

In the mean time, I'm anxiously trying to gather the appropriate things and information before school ends and before the summer begins.  Definitely the less exciting bit, if you ask me, though it doesn't feel as calm as one might think.  I still have plenty of time, but I have a good amount of stuff to mull through, so things will be a little crazy in the next few months.

Aside from that, I hope you're all doing well and I'll update you on how things are going.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi everyone,

I would say that I'm sorry for having not posted in the past while, but it would undermine what I have to say next.  So, I will not.

To start off your existential crisis, you must understand that you--yes, you--are but a mere speck in this vast universe that we live in.  Smaller than a speck in fact.  You and I, and everyone, every being you know and love is more insignificant to the universe than an amoeba is to us humans.  We can do all that we want to leave a big impact on the world and our universe, but we will ultimately be forgotten no matter what we do, what we write, what we discover.  It is just how the world goes.  We do not matter to the universe and there is nothing you can do about that.

In addition to this heaviness you now feel, you also have to realise that you are completely alone in this suffering.  You are the only one who will understand what you're feeling, right now, and who will understand this existential crisis the way that you do.  You are also the only one who will understand any other sort of suffering that you experience.  If you lost a loved one, went through a bad break up, or are suffering from depression, you are dealing with it, feeling it, and understanding it completely differently from anyone else who has lost a loved one, gone through a bad break up, or what have you.  Others can always try to sympathize with you and you with them, but no matter how many "I know how you feel" statements are made, you can never truly understand how that person feels and they can never truly understand how you feel.  We are all ultimately alone.  This also means that we all die alone even when surrounded by family and friends.  Why?  Because they don't know what you're experiencing.  There is no way for them to actually experience that with you.  So, yes.  You are--we all are--in the end, alone.

Sound depressing and slightly worrisome?  Good.  That's how these things are.

I'll check in on you guys in a while and don't go doing anything drastic because of the way these words made you feel.  There is an importance to this.

Until next time,
Dusk

Child, you'd best learn to assume responsibility.
The world does not,
Will not
Bend to your every whim.
You will not get everything that you want,
Will want,
And ever wanted.

Things will not be done for you.

You must learn that it is not others that should be taking the blame for your faults.

You must stop acting like the world owes you everything.

The world owes you nothing.

If anything,
You owe the world
Your life.

You came in to this world and the world provided
But the world can just as easily take you away.

Appreciate what you have instead of taking advantage of it.
Appreciate who you have instead of taking advantage of them.

Be kind to others
You won't have anyone if you stay as you are.

Don't expect people to help you.
Don't expect people to do things for you.
Don't expect.

You will be disappointed.

The world will not care.

I hope you learn something when you leave for school.
I don't just mean your classes, but life lessons too.
Why?
Because if you don't,
You will have a very miserable and lonely life.

Good luck.

You will need it.