Hey guys,

Okay, the title is a bit heavy.  You're going to understand why in a second.

Now, before I start, I almost wish I could tell you that I'm mixed race or something like that, but I'm not.  It would make it so much easier, to be honest.  If anything, if feels almost like my mind is mixed.

You see, I'm Chinese.  Full Chinese.  But I was born and raised in Canada.  One of the two "Hong Kong"s of Canada, even.  So, you would probably immediately figure that I would know how to speak, understand, and maybe read a little Chinese. Problem is: I don't.  Sure, I went to Chinese school as a kid, but not nearly as long as some others.  Though, I'm not entirely sure how far Chinese classes go.  I may have gotten most of the years in, if I'm lucky.  Even if I did, it still probably wouldn't have done much because of what I'm about to tell you next.

My dad is also full Chinese and was born and raised in Canada.  For some reason, though, his parents also spoke to him in English.  So, somehow, knows less Chinese than I do.  When I was younger, I had more exposure to the Chinese language.  My maternal grandmother only knew how to speak Chinese, my babysitter only knew how to speak Chinese, my mom, who is an immigrant, even spoke more Chinese and watched Chinese dramas then.  But for some reason, fast forward into my high school and university years, my dad decides that he doesn't like the Chinese shows she watches and complained about them all the time to the point where my mom actually stopped watching them.  My grandmother passed away, and my babysitter went back to live with her daughter.  My general exposure to the language was almost entirely gone.  I still have people here and there who will speak to me in Chinese, but not nearly as much as before.  I don't hear the language around me as much.  When my brother was born, for some reason, my mom spoke to him in English more because "he didn't understand", but given enough time, he would have just as I did.

So, here I am in my twenties.  I look Chinese, but I can only speak and understand a little.  I can't read or write enough to get a full sentence.  And I'm terrified that when I'm older, my mom will revert back to speaking Chinese, and I won't be able to communicate effectively with her.  People talk to me in Chinese in either Mandarin or Cantonese because they see my face and immediately think that I would understand.  And, in my mind, I feel like I should.  Cantonese anyway.  But I don't and I hate it.  I feel like I'm living with two cultures fighting inside of me, and I suppose I am.  I excelled in my English classes and graduated university with a Bachelor's of Arts in Honours English.  Don't get me wrong.  I love it and I'm incredibly proud of that.  But many other Chinese students have trouble with English classes and actually have pretty good communication in Chinese.  I feel like, at this point in my life, I should be bilingual but I'm not.  It's like I put on a face that says one thing when really I'm another.  But, I don't...it's just...my face.

The worst part of it all is that when I try to learn Chinese by watching the televisions series, I tend to gravitate more towards English shows simply because they're easier to understand.  It's so frustrating.

I wish I could have brought something lighter to the blog today, but this was just on my mind and needed to get out.  Hopefully, the next post will be easier.

Dusk

Hey guys!

Back in university, we learned about how some of what we now know to be novels, like Oliver Twist, were actually parts of serials where only a part of the story would be printed and released to the public at a time.  Due to this, readers would have to wait in anticipation between each of the installments.

I was reminded of this yesterday when I was just browsing through Google Play and came across a free app called Serial Reader.  What this app does is break up a piece of classic literature into roughly 20 minutes of reading per day.  Of course, the more books you have going at once, the more reading time you would have per day.  The app also allows you to choose when you want the next installment to come in each day.  For example, I'm currently reading The Last Man by Mary Shelley and Dracula by none other than Bram Stoker himself and, right now, I have the app set to download the next installment of whatever I'm reading at 9:00AM every day.  If I want to download them earlier or later, I can just change the time it's been set to and bam!  It's done!

Of course, in the Victorian era, it wouldn't have been so simple.  Then, they had to wait for either weekly or even monthly installments to come in.  The reason they did this was mostly to bring the price of printing literature down since books were quite expensive back then.  So, we're pretty lucky now.

If you want to read beyond the installment you were given on the app because maybe you had more spare time that particular day, or maybe you're actually using this app for school and want to make highlights and notes on the text directly through the app, you would have to pay for Serial Reader Premium.  Just to clarify, this is in no way intended to be an advertisement for the app.  I was not sponsored by anyone to write this.  I just think that this is a very interesting and clever way to read and encourage people to read more classic literature.  I, in fact, did not pay for Serial Reader Premium, myself.  I am running entirely on the free version of the app and loving it so far.

Now, I'm not sure if this app was meant to make the classics more easily digestible or if it was to encourage more reading overall, even if it is just for 20 minutes per day for some, but all I can say is that I'm enjoying it.  It seems to be working for me as I have fallen into quite the reading slump and it seems to have me excited about reading again.  Something about only getting small doses of literature a day seems to be pulling me out of my rut.  I also wish that I knew about it earlier especially if it existed while I was still in university studying these books.  But the past is the past.  I own quite a number of classics now due to my studies and I can't really complain about that at all.

I hope those of you who decide to try this app out enjoy it.  Let me know what you think!

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series.  I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least.  It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.

I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough.  Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents.  They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception.  But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in?  How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?

All I know, right now, is that I want to write.  I want to get out of here.  I want to move out.  Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself.  The only way I'd feel whole.  Like I've done something meaningful.  I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall.  It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us.  The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be.  Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now.  In the future?  I don't know, maybe I might.  But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here.  I still get to vent.  I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.

On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little.  I'm even finding it difficult to read some times.  The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that.  I want the ideas to come back.  I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying.  I want the stories to just speak to me again.  I'm just not sure how to get there yet.  I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.

Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in.  I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers.  Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.  

I think that's enough of this for now.  I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am. 

I'll keep in touch,

Dusk

"You're not enough
Never enough"
That's what they tell me.

You aren't trying enough.
You aren't working hard enough.
You need to work your way up.

It's not that simple.
I can try
But if they won't let me,
There's no moving up.

I have to dig
and pick
and scrounge
to find something,
to do something that will help me
Move on.

They won't let me let go.
They won't let go.
They keep pushing
Pushing towards something that
I
Don't
Want.

They won't listen
because they think that I'm still
Not enough.

They think that what I'm doing
What I want is
Not enough.

What I want is different.
That doesn't mean that
I think
that it's not enough.

I think it is.
I want it.
But for them,
I'll never be
Enough.