My uncle looking at us eat some fish that we caught: Ewww, they have heads!!!

My thoughts: Ewww, you have a head!  Even worse!  It's full of ignorance to the point that it's overflowing!  I don't want to hear it!  Get it away!

~~~

Tonight, if he plans to make any such comment although we most likely won't have anything with a head still attached, I plan to point at the salad and say, "Ewww, it's full of heads!"

Uncle at a family gathering, almost every adult has defaulted to speaking Chinese.

Uncle: English, please!

My thoughts: You're damned lucky everyone else here would bother to cater to you. 

He also doesn't like Chinese food, so we have to cook a separate plate of food just for him. 

Uhm, hello?! Chinese family.  You knowingly married into it.  You're the odd one out here, so if anyone needs to conform here, it's you.  Why should we cater to you, huh?  Give me one good reason.  That's right, there isn't one.  Quit acting like a freaking BABY and get OVER yourself!

If you EVER come over to my house and I have kids by that point in time, you'd better damn well be better behaved than them!  If you're not, if you're still going to be a whiny little stink hole, you know what I'm going to say to you?  The exact.  Same.  Words.  That you said to me when I said that I wanted to lose some weight: Oh. Wah.

I will cook a Chinese meal.  I will NOT cook you a separate dish because you're a whiny little prick!  If you complain, I will tell you, "In this household, you eat what is put in front of you, or you don't eat at all because there are people out there who aren't fortunate enough to even HAVE food so readily available for them." 

Then, I will turn to my kids and ask them, "Isn't that right, kids?" and turn back to face you with the most acid-filled smile you have EVER seen IN YOUR LIFE!

So, don't you freaking complain. 

"How is taking a bra off liberating?"

"Here, let me explain it to you...Imagine your balls in super skinny jeans...oh wait, you don't have any.  Nevermind then.  Toodles!"

Don't you just hate it when your tomatoes taste like plants?

...uh...what?

You know how sometimes your fruits and veggies taste like plants?...Kind of...green-tasting?

Dude...you know they are plants, right?

No, they're not!

...

My uncle bragging to my dad about how cool my uncle's camera is.

Dad: We have the same camera

Uncle: ...My lens is bigger.

My thoughts: Yeah, but you can't use it properly.

Dude, I totally know what you're trying to say with that stupid lens of yours.  Both of our sentences have double entendres and I totally mean both implications in my sentence.