Hey, guys;

Remember that one uncle I have that I don't particularly like?  Well, had dinner with Mom's side of the family and, of course, he was there.  I didn't really talk to him at all besides, "Bye," at the end of everything. 

I was sitting at the table talking to (I think it was) Mom saying how I just knew I'd gain weight this month because of exams and then Christmas right after.  I mean, what with all the food, sleep, and studying, then coming home to MORE FOOD!  He just happened to be at the table getting food at the time (the table is too small for everyone to sit at so we just kind of scatter to wherever we feel) when I was tlaking about this and all he said was, "Oh wah."  If I wasn't across the table from him, at a family dinner, and if he said that to one of my friends, I think I would have decked him.  I mean, GOD!  How insensitive can he be?

My aunt and uncle who live at this house are also sort of strict with the dog, I guess they don't want her to be fat, I don't know.  They don't usually feed the dog scraps or bones from the table.  She was also getting in the way at the time and they were scolding her.  The same uncle, again, says, "This is Canada.  We treat dogs like family here.  Go home."  All I could think was, "Annndddd what is your background, huh?  You aren't native to this place.  Besides, WHAT is "Canadian"?  It's freaking MULTICULTURAL!  That means there are DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES HERE!  There is no ONE thing that makes us all Canadian.  We just live here.  Why don't YOU go home?!" 

He's so damned annoying and good at ruining everything.  I still don't know how my aunt ended up with him.  If my boyfriend were like that, I would have punched him so hard he'd vomit and left him for good.  Luckily for me, and my boyfriend, he's a real good guy.  He's quite alright being on equal terms and he's not a tick about me "being out of the kitchen" as I've seen so much of the Internet being morons about.  This is one of my favourite traits about him.  That, and he's completely okay with having a girlfriend that is pretty aggressive.  I mean, when I'm really frustrated, I need to hit something.  No, I don't hit him, if that's what you're thinking.  I used to be in TKD and I really want to go back because 1.  I am rather out of shape now, and 2.  I need to let my frustrations out. 

Anyway, besides my uncle, the dinner and my family were all fantastic.  I love them all and wish my other aunt and uncle and their kids could have been there.  I miss them so much and I hope they have a fantastic holiday.

Happy holidays to everyone and I wish you all the best!

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi guys!

Just finished my fourth exam this morning.  Bright and early.  I'm so glad I have time between this one and my last one.  I miss sleep.  I don't even know if I got six hours of sleep last night. 

My mom came for a visit today.  We had lunch, when she left she told me to take a nap.  She said I looked tired.  Boy, do I feel it.  Took the rest of today as a day off from studying because, let's face it, four straight days of studying subjects for almost back-to-back exams is pretty killer.  Also, Mom told me to. =P  The last exam is the one that I'm also most worried about, so I need to at least let my brain rest a day so that I can get back into the studying. 

Dad's instructed me to go to bed as he knows I'm tired and I just can't handle things anymore.  He's distracted me with Amazon for a good number of hours.  I was thinking about what to get for Boyfriend and he suggested that I see if Amazon has what I want.  Well, not exactly, but I think I got him something that he might like just as much, or even more.  I'm so excited to get the stuff now.  I really hope I'll be able to sleep with all this excitement going on in my head...well, at least it isn't as much stress and panic as it was for the past few days.

Anyway, I'll be off.  Hope you're all doing well.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

I know it seems morbid, but I'm just...confused, for lack of a better term.  Maybe a little curious as well.

You see, I don't understand when people say things like, "She has a sick fascination with death."  I don't understand why this fascination that some people have is "sick," or "disturbing."  Some people are just curious about what comes after.  If anything, I think it's more natural to think of things like death.

Why?  Well, partially because it's always there.  There's no escaping death.  It's a natural part of life.  The only reason I can think people might describe it as "sick" is because it's not something everybody thinks about.  It's not..."normal."  The thing with people is, we don't like to acknowledge death because we're afraid of it.  We don't actually know what happens once we die.  So, we try to prolong our existence as long as we can and just not think about death.

It's sad to say, but that's probably the reason why we are struck dumb by death when it happens to someone we know.  Why it scares us.  Simply because we don't know what happens.

People like to learn about everything.  They like to figure out how things work, how things go.  But, it actually takes the beauty out of a lot of things.  It takes the beauty out of a sunset, or the blooming of a flower, or even just seeing a creature go about doing its thing.

Of course, this also includes death.  There is a strange beauty in it.  Whether people acknowledge it or not, there is a beauty in it despite how frightening it may be.  The idea of leaving this world to find peace.  Religious or not, there is a sort of morbid peace in the whole idea.  The thought of no more pain, no more suffering.  Just empty bliss.

What I think is, although we're afraid of death, if we acknowledge it, it might actually be a bit less frightening.  It won't get rid of the fear completely.  But, I think it's sort of like a roller coaster.  That first massive drop is coming, and you know it.  You're scared, but that's only the fear of anticipation.  You know it's coming and you're scared anyway.  It'll come and pass.  Everything will come and pass.  That's how life works.

Oh, well.  Let me know what you guys think.

Until next time,
Dusk

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I don't fit in.
I'm sorry I don't like what you do.
I'm sorry I don't conform.

I'm sorry that I care about words.
I'm sorry that I care about grammar, punctuation, quotations

I'm sorry that I have thoughts.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are my own.
I'm sorry that you don't agree with them.

I'm sorry that you don't understand.
I'm sorry that you don't like it.
I don't either
Sometimes.

I'm sorry for the things out of my control.
I'm sorry for the things that are.

I'm sorry you don't like me the way I am.
I'm sorry you don't accept it.
I'm sorry I won't change.
I'm sorry that I'm stubborn.

But, most of all
I am sorry
For being me.

That feeling
Of never being just right.
Never good enough
No.
Never good enough for the people around you.
The people around me.

I'm not smart enough
Not fast enough
Not pretty enough
Not normal enough.

My clothes are too dark.
My hair is too flat.
I don't wear enough makeup.
I don't wear any makeup.

I'm not good at anything
I'm not good at everything.

My mind is too different.
My thoughts are too strange.
My ideas are too abnormal.

I'm not normal.
What is normal?
Nobody is normal.

I am myself.
I am what I want today
I'll be what I want tomorrow
I will do what I want
To be what I want.

I am myself.
I am
Me.

Hey all,

So, just yesterday, I finished my first exam of the season.  I must say, it was much easier than I thought it would be.  You see, my prof sent out an email the night before telling us that he wanted us to know all of the authors we have studied in the second half of term and be able to identify them from their works alone.  Of course, I had a major panic.  I was angry and scared because how on earth was I supposed to identify twelve different authors from their work alone PLUS write two essays and work on short answer questions all over the span of two hours?

Turns out that he provided us with three short answer questions in which we were to choose two from, the same for the essays, and he provided three sonnets out of the billion works that we studied to identify.  THREE and he told us to know them ALL!  What?!

Yes, I was angered by that too.  But, at least I didn't just look at the exam and cry the moment I did.  I was expecting it to be so much worse and I ended up finishing twenty five minutes before our time was up.

That definitely made me feel better about finals in general.  I just hope all the others will be that easy.

Anyway, good luck to everyone dealing with finals and I'll write to you guys again either soon, or after all of my finals are done.  Either way, good luck and keep being awesome!

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi, Gerard;

Lately, I've been rather frustrated with a number of people in my life.  A strange thing has been happening though.  Your voice has been stuck in my head and it comes in stronger every time I get angrier.  Your haunting "remember me" echoes in my mind.  I keep thinking it's your song in my head, but I feel like it's more than that when it starts to come in stronger and louder.

I feel like you are trying to tell me something.  I know it's not very likely that you'll see this letter, but I'd really like to know.  What is it that you're trying to tell me, Gerard?  Are you telling me not to let the people bother me and hold me back?  Is that it?  I know a lot of people are going to tell me that.  I feel like there's more you want to tell me than just that. 

I really want to know what's going on.  What is it that you want me to know?  What message are you trying to send me?

Wishing I knew what was going on,
Dusk

Hello All,

Today, I thought I would share with you one of the experiences I've had with sexist jerks.

Last night, I went out after skating with my best friend and the guy that is supposed to be the skate patrol.  I say, "supposed to be" because I find that he is so lacking in his job that it is sad and ridiculous that the town even hired him. 

You see, as skate patrol, he is supposed to be authoritative and, basically, be the safety regulator of the ice.  But, he neither wears the jacket allowing people to see him, nor is authoritative enough to have people listen to him.  Last night proved that he does not know what he's to be doing nor is he worthy of such a job.  It may not be the best paying job, but to be a safety regulator, you would expect that the town would hire somebody with 1. basic CPR and First Aid skills and 2. knows how to at least handle a crowd, I mean, that's what this entire job is about.

Somebody fell and blacked out on the ice last night, and he did not even know enough to clear the crowd off of the ice for when the paramedics were to show.  Instead, my dad, best friend, and I took over that.  My best friend is a life guard and the moment he saw that she was down, he went into full life guard mode.  Sure, the skate patrol person called the paramedics, but he could have should have cleared the crowd off of the ice.  Even more-so, he should know how to handle these sort of situations in general.

After skating, skate patrol guy, my best friend, and I went to Starbucks.  At some point in time, this guy says, and looks straight at me as he does so, "Girls always never know what they want."  For a moment, I stop to think back and try to find a time where I didn't know what I wanted.  Sure, there have been a few times, but everyone goes through that.  Then, being the tick that he is, he says, "See?  You don't know what you want."

How the Hell does he know that?  He doesn't know what's going on in my head.  I should have retaliated.  I should have said, "I know what I want.  I want to punch you for that comment and walk away.  I want to tell you that you suck at your job.  I want to tell you that ever since I've seen you 'take over' as skate patrol, I knew you wouldn't be good for the job.  I wanted to take over your job since I've seen your smug, dirty little face set foot on the ice as skate patrol.  I would too, if I didn't go to school in another city.  But, most of all, I know that I do NOT want you to reproduce and pass on that disgusting mindset of yours to your potential offspring."

I also should have thrown a punch at him and missed, let him go with a warning.  Should have told him, "Next time, I will not miss.  You know why?  Because I will want to hit you even more the next time around.  Do not cross me again.  Do you understand?"  Of course, my best friend and this know-it-all jerk haven't seen me this angry.  I don't expect much of any sort of reaction from him.  I would repeat myself, "I said, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"  When he answers, I would tell him, "That is why nobody listens to you on the ice," and walk away.  I don't know if my friend would follow me.  If he would tell that lowly turd that he went too far.  But, I would hope that he would.

I'm sorry about the crazy rant-style post today.  I just really needed to get that off my chest.  I also really need to go back to TKD to let the stress and anger out. 

I thank you, folks, for listening.  I hope next time I post will not be because I'm angry.

I hope you're all doing better than I am at the moment.

Until next time,
Dusk