The future is scary and that's okay.

Boyfriend and I have been talking a bit recently about what our plans for the future are in terms of careers as, firstly, while we are living with his mom in Singapore, it's brought up quite often anyway, and secondly, it is something we'd have to think about soon since we just received our undergraduate degrees.

Right now, it seems like we're going to take roughly a year out of school and decide whether or not we want to go back or if we can make it without.  Personally, I think he'll go back.  He tells me he was never much of a school guy, but he likes to learn and I can definitely see him excelling in whichever path he chooses.  He's a pretty versatile guy when it comes to the options he's given himself.

For me, I'm not sure if I want to return to school to get a Master's degree or even a PhD, but the more we talk about it, the more it seems a bit enticing.  I've never been one to feel like writing a dissertation or anything formal would be something I'd want to do, but some times when I look at what I've studied, or when I read something, it's the only way I can work with it.  I still prefer to write fiction, but it's been so long since I've properly sat down to write any fiction outside of a dialogue that I don't know if I could do it.  I would need to sit down and read more fiction first to pick my style back up again, I think.

I like the idea of living off my writing whether it be on my blog, on Youtube (writing scripts for myself to discuss different topics), publishing various forms of fiction, or even using my writing as a form of discussion like many critical thinkers.  For most of these things, I wouldn't need any formal graduate degree to do them, but for the last one especially, it would be helpful because it would give my arguments that much more heft.  I would be able to not only say what I have to say and potentially have people retort, but also be recognised as a person who knows what she's talking about in a formal situation should it come to that.  Perhaps my writing would be able to be used in classrooms and university or college lectures that way.  Who knows?

In the mean time, I'm trying to figure out what I could get into for at least this coming year.  Perhaps work in a book shop or something to pass the time and make a little money to support myself and hopefully move out.  Whatever happens, I'm glad that it looks like  Boyfriend and I will be going through it together and supporting each other.  It's something that we'd both like and I definitely feel like I need.  I like being able to discuss my current foggy future with someone who understands where I am in my head and in my life.  He knows that I'm unsure of which direction I want to go, but he also knows that I want to be able to be self reliant and he's supporting me every step of the way.  If it weren't for him I don't know where I'd be right now.  I wouldn't have even considered a Master's or any other form of graduate degree.  I know my mom wants me to get one, but that doesn't feel so much as if it's for me as it does for her peace of mind because it appears to be the minimum requirement for anything now-a-days.

I'm just glad that I have someone with whom I can venture through life now.  A romantic relationship is certainly not something everyone needs at this point in time, or for some, ever, but for me, this works.  I have the kind of support I need and, in turn, I am able to support him and we are able to bounce ideas about our future with one another without outside influence because we listen to each other and what the other wants and needs.  For all of you out there going through this time in life, you do it your way.  My way is by no means any model towards which you need to strive.  What works for me might not necessarily work for you and vice versa.  But no matter what happens, I hope things turn out well for you.

Best of luck to everyone.

Dusk

I've never been good at small talk.  It just isn't something I do.

If you try to talk to me, it'll seem like I don't really want to talk.  What I don't want is to go into idle prattle because I don't know how to handle or navigate it.  It's devoid of meaning and I mentally can not grasp how it works or how to continue the conversation from what seems to me to be dead end questions.  I never intend to sound uncaring or unapproachable, I literally just don't know how to turn the little statements or questions into more than just that.  If I'm asked a question with a simple answer, that's normally what I give it.

I do feel bad and I don't always know what to say, but it happens.  I have no intentions of being rude if I've just met you and this is the direction in which our conversation seems to be headed it's just me being uncomfortable.  If you want to start an actual discussion, it's easiest for me if you just jump into it.  Ask me if I've read a book and if I haven't tell me about it.  Tell me what you liked, what you didn't.  I might come up with something similar as well as a suggestion for you to look at in the future and likewise.  Maybe a film or something else that interests you.  For me to take part, I need more to work with than "How are you"s and "what's new?"

I do realise that this may be difficult for the person with whom I am trying to converse as well as it is for myself, but I honestly don't know how to make small talk work.  It's one of society's weird mannerisms that I will never understand and perhaps never be able to get to work in my favour.  Even when I was taking the final test for my driver's licence, I never asked such small questions to try to keep myself calm.  I asked the examiner why he does what he does and why he chose or ended up with it.  It was something that I could dig more into, something that I could get more information from to create more discussion.  In turn, he would be able to ask me what I want to do, am doing, what my motivations are and I could ask him similar inquiries.  Topics like these, I can work with.  If you simply ask me what I'm doing in school and if I want to be a teacher, my answers will be short and sweet.  I get the same questions all the time and I hate them.  I never know what to do or say.  It's awful.

This, I think, is why I'm not the best suited for things like customer service or human resources work.  It's not something I can care enough about to make it sound good.  ESPECIALLY with customer service situations where I will need to run off to retrieve something for a customer because I will repeat the same, "Hi, how are you?  Did you find everything okay?" routine to people I've already droned it out to without realising until after the fact.

I don't know where this puts me in terms of which jobs I'd be good for, but I can tell you that I've done pretty well so far in conversing with my professors and peers about different academic, homework-related, and peer-related topics.  Whether it means I should strive for something like academia or writing in general, I don't know, but I think I might do okay in them given different topics to work with.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is small talk confuses me.  It confounds me.  I don't know what to do and I flounder when people try to approach me with it.  I don't know if I'll ever know what to do with it and I'm sorry to anyone who tries to use it with me.

Hey guys,

Sorry I haven't updated on the trip much lately, but what can I say?  What I do might not sound as interesting as it was for me to experience.  I'm a bit of a little details sort of person.  I appreciate a lot of little moments that don't relay as well as they felt at the time.

Anyway, yesterday, Boyfriend and I went and did something a bit more touristy than usual.  After seeing where he went to school a couple days before, we decided to go to Sentosa.  Yup.  The place that you, apparently, "must" go to while you're in Singapore otherwise you haven't gone to Singapore.  Personally, I've never understood when people say things like that because, clearly, I am in Singapore, so to tell me otherwise would be ridiculous as I know where I am and what I'm doing and you can't tell me what it is that I'm experiencing.

That aside, we had a nice time walking along the harbour and Siloso beach front in the evening.  It's crazy, you can actually see the sun setting here.  It moves much faster here than it does at home.  At first, I thought I was imagining it, but when Boyfriend said that it could be seen, I was amazed.  The sunlight is interesting here.  You would think that being near the equator, you would have more hours of sunlight, but instead, it's similar to the amount of sunlight I get at home in the autumn just before winter.  The sun rises at 7:00AM and sets at 7:00PM everyday without fail.  I have no idea why it works that way, but it does.

We had a real nice time there.  I've never been to a salt water beach before and I do love to be in the water.  Though, I wasn't particularly prepared for that, so I just waded around the shallows.  I'll be honest, I was expecting the water to be cooler than it was and was certainly surprised when it was so much warmer than I was preparing myself for.

Boyfriend spent the last few minutes of the fading sunlight to draw the shoreline.  Me, on the other hand, I just love to see him draw.  Something about how focused and intense he looks is alluring to me.  I just really like to see artists at work, what can I say?  It's like watching magic happen.  Unfortunately, because of the quickly falling sun, Boyfriend had some troubles figuring out the pressure he should put on his new brushpen for different strokes.  I still think his drawing looks fine.  Especially considering the fact that he didn't have a brushpen prior to this.

When we finally got back home, we curled up and watched a film I had watched in school called "Waking Life".  Considering the time of day I had originally watched, it was pretty overwhelming in terms of information and questions, not to mention the art styles involved.  It definitely makes more sense the second time around, but it is still a lot of information to take in.  Boyfriend says it might be better if they just tackled one question raised and stick to it as the main premise.  Considering what the film is about, he's right.  It gives the feeling that the director is trying to cover more information than he is able in the time given.  I still can't say it's a bad film, though.  It raises interesting thoughts and questions that I feel are important for people to think about and don't often do if they do at all.

I'm not super sure what's in store for today or the rest of the week, but that's the fun of not planning.  You just figure it out as you go.  Besides, a few days of rest here and there are always good to keep.  Don't want to burn yourself out on vacation, right?

Until next time,
Dusk