For those of you who've read my last post, you'll probably wonder what all that was about, especially because it followed immediately after part two of my Existential Crisis series. I've just been going through some stuff now that I've graduated and moved home and things have been...building up, to say the least. It's been an incredibly frustrating time trying to find work that's even remotely close to fulfilling for me, let alone being in my field.
I've been left feeling trapped and broken, like everything I do is never good enough. Every job I get is never good enough, not for me, I've had a great job that I loved, but for my parents. They keep telling me that I should be a teacher, I should find something in my field, I should find a company I want to move up in and start in reception. But I don't want to do reception, I don't even know what I want to do, so why would I even know which company I'd like to move up in? How would I know which company I'd like to move up in?
All I know, right now, is that I want to write. I want to get out of here. I want to move out. Because that's the only way I know I'd be able to be myself. The only way I'd feel whole. Like I've done something meaningful. I don't particularly care if it's something meaningful to the world because I know that one day, even if my name becomes huge, it will fall. It'll eventually be forgotten like how I'm sure one day Shakespeare would be, bless him and what he's brought to us. The only problem with me wanting to write is that it takes time and I know I need money to move out and get where I want to be. Even writing this, I'm not making any money off of this as of right now. In the future? I don't know, maybe I might. But at the current moment, this is earning me zero dollars and that's fine, I still get to share my thoughts and feelings with you all on here. I still get to vent. I'd just like to see my potential of being free again move forward.
On top of all that, I kind of feel like my writing ideas have dried up a little. I'm even finding it difficult to read some times. The focus has seriously diminished, and I hate that. I want the ideas to come back. I want them to come flowing into my head again without me trying. I want the stories to just speak to me again. I'm just not sure how to get there yet. I've fallen into such a rut, that I want to climb out of, but am not sure how to begin because it feels like the walls keep crumbling in whenever I grab for a solid piece to pull myself out.
Maybe I need to start hiding my computer and my phone so that I can minimize the temptation of the Internet and just read and look for some sort of free local writing club...thing...to participate in. I do have to admit that it is easier to get writing when you're surrounded with other writers. Yeah, maybe I'll work on that on my free time.
I think that's enough of this for now. I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than I am.
I'll keep in touch,
Dusk
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