I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I don't fit in.
I'm sorry I don't like what you do.
I'm sorry I don't conform.

I'm sorry that I care about words.
I'm sorry that I care about grammar, punctuation, quotations

I'm sorry that I have thoughts.
I'm sorry that my thoughts are my own.
I'm sorry that you don't agree with them.

I'm sorry that you don't understand.
I'm sorry that you don't like it.
I don't either
Sometimes.

I'm sorry for the things out of my control.
I'm sorry for the things that are.

I'm sorry you don't like me the way I am.
I'm sorry you don't accept it.
I'm sorry I won't change.
I'm sorry that I'm stubborn.

But, most of all
I am sorry
For being me.

That feeling
Of never being just right.
Never good enough
No.
Never good enough for the people around you.
The people around me.

I'm not smart enough
Not fast enough
Not pretty enough
Not normal enough.

My clothes are too dark.
My hair is too flat.
I don't wear enough makeup.
I don't wear any makeup.

I'm not good at anything
I'm not good at everything.

My mind is too different.
My thoughts are too strange.
My ideas are too abnormal.

I'm not normal.
What is normal?
Nobody is normal.

I am myself.
I am what I want today
I'll be what I want tomorrow
I will do what I want
To be what I want.

I am myself.
I am
Me.

Hey all,

So, just yesterday, I finished my first exam of the season.  I must say, it was much easier than I thought it would be.  You see, my prof sent out an email the night before telling us that he wanted us to know all of the authors we have studied in the second half of term and be able to identify them from their works alone.  Of course, I had a major panic.  I was angry and scared because how on earth was I supposed to identify twelve different authors from their work alone PLUS write two essays and work on short answer questions all over the span of two hours?

Turns out that he provided us with three short answer questions in which we were to choose two from, the same for the essays, and he provided three sonnets out of the billion works that we studied to identify.  THREE and he told us to know them ALL!  What?!

Yes, I was angered by that too.  But, at least I didn't just look at the exam and cry the moment I did.  I was expecting it to be so much worse and I ended up finishing twenty five minutes before our time was up.

That definitely made me feel better about finals in general.  I just hope all the others will be that easy.

Anyway, good luck to everyone dealing with finals and I'll write to you guys again either soon, or after all of my finals are done.  Either way, good luck and keep being awesome!

Until next time,
Dusk

Hi, Gerard;

Lately, I've been rather frustrated with a number of people in my life.  A strange thing has been happening though.  Your voice has been stuck in my head and it comes in stronger every time I get angrier.  Your haunting "remember me" echoes in my mind.  I keep thinking it's your song in my head, but I feel like it's more than that when it starts to come in stronger and louder.

I feel like you are trying to tell me something.  I know it's not very likely that you'll see this letter, but I'd really like to know.  What is it that you're trying to tell me, Gerard?  Are you telling me not to let the people bother me and hold me back?  Is that it?  I know a lot of people are going to tell me that.  I feel like there's more you want to tell me than just that. 

I really want to know what's going on.  What is it that you want me to know?  What message are you trying to send me?

Wishing I knew what was going on,
Dusk

Hello All,

Today, I thought I would share with you one of the experiences I've had with sexist jerks.

Last night, I went out after skating with my best friend and the guy that is supposed to be the skate patrol.  I say, "supposed to be" because I find that he is so lacking in his job that it is sad and ridiculous that the town even hired him. 

You see, as skate patrol, he is supposed to be authoritative and, basically, be the safety regulator of the ice.  But, he neither wears the jacket allowing people to see him, nor is authoritative enough to have people listen to him.  Last night proved that he does not know what he's to be doing nor is he worthy of such a job.  It may not be the best paying job, but to be a safety regulator, you would expect that the town would hire somebody with 1. basic CPR and First Aid skills and 2. knows how to at least handle a crowd, I mean, that's what this entire job is about.

Somebody fell and blacked out on the ice last night, and he did not even know enough to clear the crowd off of the ice for when the paramedics were to show.  Instead, my dad, best friend, and I took over that.  My best friend is a life guard and the moment he saw that she was down, he went into full life guard mode.  Sure, the skate patrol person called the paramedics, but he could have should have cleared the crowd off of the ice.  Even more-so, he should know how to handle these sort of situations in general.

After skating, skate patrol guy, my best friend, and I went to Starbucks.  At some point in time, this guy says, and looks straight at me as he does so, "Girls always never know what they want."  For a moment, I stop to think back and try to find a time where I didn't know what I wanted.  Sure, there have been a few times, but everyone goes through that.  Then, being the tick that he is, he says, "See?  You don't know what you want."

How the Hell does he know that?  He doesn't know what's going on in my head.  I should have retaliated.  I should have said, "I know what I want.  I want to punch you for that comment and walk away.  I want to tell you that you suck at your job.  I want to tell you that ever since I've seen you 'take over' as skate patrol, I knew you wouldn't be good for the job.  I wanted to take over your job since I've seen your smug, dirty little face set foot on the ice as skate patrol.  I would too, if I didn't go to school in another city.  But, most of all, I know that I do NOT want you to reproduce and pass on that disgusting mindset of yours to your potential offspring."

I also should have thrown a punch at him and missed, let him go with a warning.  Should have told him, "Next time, I will not miss.  You know why?  Because I will want to hit you even more the next time around.  Do not cross me again.  Do you understand?"  Of course, my best friend and this know-it-all jerk haven't seen me this angry.  I don't expect much of any sort of reaction from him.  I would repeat myself, "I said, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"  When he answers, I would tell him, "That is why nobody listens to you on the ice," and walk away.  I don't know if my friend would follow me.  If he would tell that lowly turd that he went too far.  But, I would hope that he would.

I'm sorry about the crazy rant-style post today.  I just really needed to get that off my chest.  I also really need to go back to TKD to let the stress and anger out. 

I thank you, folks, for listening.  I hope next time I post will not be because I'm angry.

I hope you're all doing better than I am at the moment.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey guys,

Sorry about not writing much recently.  School and all, you know.  I've also been feeling a tad empty lately.  Not a hungry empty though, more along the lines of emotionally empty.  I wouldn't quite say apathetic though.  It just sort of feels like there's a hole in me and I can't fill it.  It hurts emotionally and it makes me very sad. 

It's been around a month and a half since I last saw Boyfriend for Thanksgiving.  I'll only be able to see him for two to three days before Christmas, then he's flying off to see his family for the Christmas break.  I really hope that none of you think poorly of him for this.  It's been even longer since he's seen his family and I do feel that it's important for him to see them too.  Whenever we're together (in the same city), I feel like I monopolize a lot of his time and I think it's nice that he sees his family.  In fact, I feel like we should have lunch or dinner with his family again or something.  It was fun the last time, so why not do it again?  They're amazing people even if they weren't his immediate family.

Regardless, I'm glad he gets to see his family again.  The week or two of his seeing his family must feel almost like the few days that we get to spend together between weeks to months of separation because of school.  Especially since they are further away.  I'm sure he appreciates what time he has with them every time he gets to see them.  It must be hard being so far from them.  They sound like amazing people and I'd love to actually meet them one day. 

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well.

Until next time,
Dusk

Hey all,

So, as I suppose you all know, Hurricane Sandy came through these parts not long ago.  It wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people had it, but it was still very cold, windy, and rainy.  Although, I'm not sure if this is a result of that or a result of everybody I know being sick, I have a cold.  It is getting better though.  It's not as bad as it could have been, and it's not like I've been bedridden or anything.

It did leave me trying to hold back a coughing fit in my three hour class last night though.  Instead of one massive coughing fit, I ended up shaking or convulsing...not really sure which word best describes it right now...in class when I wasn't going through a bout of coughing.  Fun things!

Anyway, I guess this cold could have been much worse.  I mean, I could be dying of some terminal illness.  So I am quite fortunate that this is just a small cold that hasn't rendered me immobile or something.  I have been going to all of my classes despite it. 

Oh, well.  Hope I get over it soon.

Hope you're all well!

Until next time,
Dusk